One seeks global domination, the other just wants a submissive neighbor. Whether he's giving another blowhard speech or simply settling in for a night of oral pleasure, this guy knows how to bring entire nations to their knees. So rise to power and take control of the masses, because staying on top is easier than it looks.

Tell us what sexually ambiguous attributes we missed in the comment section.

1) PERFECTLY GROOMED HAIR: When you project an unbending image on the world stage, the right gel helps keep it up.

2) SMUG EXPRESSION: The perfect complement to those cheek-to-cheek salutations.

3) TRIMMED FACIAL HAIR: His other beard wears a burka.

4) KAFFIYEH: "This old thing? Oh, Prada."

5) PROFESSIONAL MANICURE: His way of pretending his hands are clean.

6) IMPOSING HEIGHT: His stature grows when his countrymen kneel before him.

7) SHARP SLACKS: The nuclear club has a strict no-jeans policy.

8) STYLISH SHOES: "Honey, please! Nobody's wearing those awful jackboots anymore."

Photograph by Brooke Nipar.