The Office Jerk
Why masturbating at work may do you a lot of good. Read our take, then share your own strumming story—or your strong opinion—in our comments section below.
-By Gillian Telling
-Photograph by Matthew Monteith
Imagine hitting the bathroom at work on a quiet afternoon. You hear the soft shuffling of feet and the awkward "get the hell out of here" cough coming from the handicapped stall. So you do what any respectful human being would do: Hurry up and let the man do his business in private. The thing is, there's a chance Sparky in Stall 3 isn't just trying to finish a crap in peace. He might be doing his best to get ahead—by getting off.
"I have all these hotties running around my office," says Jimmy, a 30-year-old who works in advertising in New York. "I can get hard at the whiff of perfume. Sometimes I need to rub one out so I can actually do my work."
The modern workplace is, of course, a minefield of sexual tension. A recent Randstad study on office flirtation showed that 41 percent of men admit to flirting with coworkers, and 12 percent have secret crushes on someone they work with. And while Jimmy's method of relieving that pressure may seem extreme, it's highly effective.
"Masturbation is essentially a tension reliever, and if you find yourself too horny and distracted at work, relieving yourself will alleviate that," says Dr. Neil S. Kaye, a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Jefferson Medical College, in Philadelphia.
And it's not just the intern in the low-cut blouse getting guys overheated—arguing with peers over a project can do it. "Stressful situations also produce arousal," says Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and the author of She Comes First. "So a man might get yelled at by his boss or have a huge deadline, and he'll find he just has to masturbate."
But before you head to the men's room with a decoy copy of The Economist, be warned: Spanking it at work is as risky as it sounds.
"You do not want to get caught," says Brian, a 30-year-old production assistant in New York who masturbates at the office two to three times a week. "I always go into the biggest stall because I'm pretending I'm taking a dump. And I sneak in a bottle of lotion to speed things up." He then quietly rubs one out in about five minutes. And if someone comes into the bathroom mid-tug? "I just wait for them to leave."
James, 44, a media executive in New York, once had to confront a subordinate he knew was beating off in the bathroom. "He broke down and said it was because he was so stressed out that it was the only way he could get through the day," James says. "Everyone avoided the bathroom when he went in."
"Most offices would have a zero-tolerance policy," says Joanne James, a vice president at Best Headhunters, an online executive-search firm. Still, if you're too distracted to get anything done, the risks of the occasional work jerk may be worth it. "If it's going to allow you to do your job better, I say go for it," Kerner says. "You go to the bathroom, and whether you're going to urinate or defecate, it's a private act. So who's to say you can't go in there and bring yourself to orgasm?"
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I was actually smiling in my cubicle when I came across the article and I was like, "So I'm not a maniac after all! This sort of thing happens more often after all!"
Well don't get me wrong. It's not as if I do it regularly. In fact, I just did it once (and yes, just like the article said, during one of those quiet afternoons). So reading the article was quite a relief for me because it sort of gives you this message that doing it in the office is quite "normal" (which basically means you don't do it every minute you have a chance!).
So that article was fun. Makes me feel I'm not alone because hey, this isn't something you open up with your buddies. You don't go, "Guess what? I jerked in the office!"
jake_q
Jun 1, 2007 5:44:28 AM
Dude. I never thought I was a deviant. Sometimes, when it's crazy busy or there is just too many ladies running around (especially in my line of work), I just have to knuckle shuffle the piss pump. It has to be done. If it’s not, then work ain’t getting done and I won’t be able to concentrate.
JRed
Jun 1, 2007 4:51:50 PM
Dude. I never implied you were. The thing is, I'm just wary that doing it whenever there's an urge to get things done or whenever one can't concentrate, he (or you) might get used to this and *might" have a hard time controlling himself (or yourself). But then again, that's just me and my I'm-quite-conservative stance talking. That said, I guess different strokes for different folks (no pun intended!).
jake_q
Jun 5, 2007 3:33:23 AM
Sometimes I have to come into the office on the weekend to maintain the server. There have been a few times where I've logged on to xtube for a quickie or arranged a booty call.
When I was working for an IT consulting firm, there was so much tension that the only way I could get through the day was by heading to the bathroom during lunch for a nice release.
bertodesu
Jun 8, 2007 2:21:59 PM
Sometimes you just have to do it. I've had situations--sights and/or conversations--where it was going to happen right in the trousers lest I get to the john immediately. At least that way you don't have to go out and buy new underwear mid-day.
LoganMan
Jun 8, 2007 4:07:36 PM
O-kay. So that makes me the only one who can control myself. LoganMan, dude, that's just...freaky. And weird---cumming on your pants.
jake_q
Jun 12, 2007 5:41:16 AM
Back in the day of my horny teenage high school and college jobs I would wank frequently while at work. Now that I have a 'real job' I've yet to try it there but I'm always contemplating it. One of these days I'm sure I will.
TheCrew
Jun 16, 2007 3:22:09 PM
So... I to smiled and chuckled. I have wanked a lot at the office when I'm stressed and under pressure. I also noticed that the "quite" stall is also used quite a lot by other guys. The cough is used to let others know that some one is walking in. Not to say that I work for a perv place, but we are ALL men, have urges and no one can say that we don't get boners and that embarrasing moments when it just wont go down. Rubbing one out at work - is just part of the day to day duties. Just not every day.
Enjoy the power.. :-)
chrisat30033
Jun 19, 2007 10:44:31 AM
Oh man, My wife had a baby recently and When I went back to work I hadnt gotten any for about going on 3 weeks. Finally at the 6 weeks mark when she still wasnt comfortable with the idea of sex I HAD to release the pressure. Commuting to work through the city seeing all those hotties... I went down a floor to a bathroom in the lobby that I knew was a lil more private and got the job done. no doubt Wanking at work is a HUGE stress reliever. After that long a pause in sexual relations it was like being a teenager again. World record quick.
ferfux
Jun 22, 2007 12:58:38 PM
Oh my Godddddd! I just happened to be surfing the topics today like any other day and came across this message. It was like reading a scripture from the bible. I think Im pretty slick and cool but to know there are people in the world like me is great feeling. The article brought a chuckle and smile to my face that I wished I was in the stall at that moment squeazin it off. Sometimes or maybe every day us men need to make it happen and an orgasm is the greatest way. I love it! I feel like Im in fight club!
doves27
Jul 1, 2007 12:21:15 AM
yeah i work in the mall so this one is hard for me to pull off. but ive def. done it before.sometimes you just have too.
nicholaschristian1
Jul 25, 2007 12:12:52 AM
I knew it was normal I just didn't know it was pervasive. When I was in college, I had to manhandle myself a few times. For me the only downside is later in the day I get sleepy.
cyberswitch
Aug 17, 2007 12:12:47 PM
i always masterbate at work sometimes even the other guys join in we all thought it was strange at first but all admitted to doing it and we all have gf's
mpaahana
Nov 4, 2007 7:52:32 PM
My name is Ryan Symes, I work for Thomson Local - I'm so glad i'm not the only one - Anything will turn me on at work, my colleague who sits next to me is just so sexy, my colleague opposite me is rather hot as well, sometimes they flirt and make me really horny and i just have to visit the gents to knock one out or else i just cant work.
lennon1982
Mar 12, 2008 9:54:29 AM