Does Your Girlfriend Act Her Age?
The women you date should behave—and look—like grown-ups, not characters from High School Musical.
-By Simon Dumenco
-Photograph by Greg Broom
Sound off on 30-year-old Hello Kitty addicts in the comment section—then click here to take our quiz to see if you're the real tweenager.
Photograph by Greg Broom
Recently, I found myself at a party in Manhattan, casting sidelong glances at a woman. Her look (baby-doll dress, kinderwhore lip gloss) and behavior (exclaiming "Oh my god, totally!" and text-ing obsessively) screamed tweenager. You know, that hybrid archetype—the one who worships at the altar of Hannah Montana and High School Musical. Everything about the woman telegraphed jailbait—except, that is, for the crow's feet, which suggested that this wannabe tween was pushing 35.
Look around. The 35-going-on-12 woman is everywhere. Man-child Syndrome—the affliction that causes thirtysomething guys to cling to adolescence—may be rampant, but lately it's women who are taking the lead in regressing. Call it the Big Girl Epidemic: women selling versions of themselves that, when you get down to it, are pretty creepy. It's not so much a Lolita thing—the Big Girl isn't trying to be a dewy seductress—but more of a daffy, tweenage thing.
Is this the sort of girl you clawed your way into manhood to date? Think back to what your big brother's girlfriend seemed like when you were a kid: A woman. A w-o-m-a-n woman. Not someone who speaks in acronyms and carries a glitter-covered Sidekick.
"I get the feeling that a lot of women are dressing and acting that way because they think that that's what guys want," says Jean Twenge, associate professor of psychology at San Diego State University and author of Generation Me, a book about American youth culture. "It's the same thing as older women getting plastic surgery. The idea is that what men want is a woman who looks 18. Although they don't usually want a woman who acts 18." Twenge laughs, then adds, "And that's where the problem comes in."
And it is a problem—especially if you're a man who happens to find tween impersonations not only unbecoming but more than a little sad. Unfortunately, as long as our culture reinforces the Big Girl's worst inclinations, the epidemic will persist.
"I've been meditating on the question of why women in their twenties and thirties seem to be obsessed with all things teen—fashion, slang, gossip, et cetera," says Anastasia Goodstein, publisher of ypulse.com, a marketing website. "The reality is that teen culture has come to define pop culture." As the usual markers of American adulthood—marriage, career, kids—get more and more delayed, the simpleminded distractions of adolescence have extended their grip on the adult brain. Man-children may drag their old skateboards and video games with them into their thirties, but Big Girls needn't bother to cling to the pop culture of their youth. "Adult" pop culture has been conveniently colonized by a teen sensibility. Consider Gossip Girls or The Hills. Both shows are endlessly blogged about and compulsively parsed by teenage girls—but they're also cornerstones of thirtysomething women's party conversation. The audiences have converged.
Meanwhile, the female-oriented tabloids—Us Weekly, In Touch, and Star—read like Tiger Beat redux, chronicling the dysfunction of the Lindsays, Britneys, Nicoles, Heidis, and Laurens who have come to dominate the celebrity landscape at the expense of more seasoned female celebrities. And you only need look at the teen/tween style bible Teen Vogue to discover where Big Girls are taking their fashion cues from. According to the demographic stats it supplies to advertisers, nearly 2.8 million readers (almost half the total) of Vogue's little sister are adults.
Dating one of these Big Girls doesn't mean just putting up with jailbait fashion and IMs that say OMG, totally! It means potentially enduring the worst sort of navel-gazing drama. As Twenge points out, arrested development goes hand in hand with self-absorption: Narcissism "is a very adolescent personality trait. Obviously it means you focus on yourself and what's good for you." It used to be that men had the ego market cornered, but now, Twenge says, "there's virtually no difference between the sexes with regard to narcissism. Most of the change has taken place in girls and women." Basically, women have caught up to men by sinking to comparable levels of adolescent self-absorption.
Which makes the idea of actually dating a Big Girl even more unappealing.
Not that, in this postfeminist age, you have to hold out for "I am woman, hear me roar." But "I am girl, hear me giggle"? Uh, no. Totes no.
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I think a lot of women can pull it off, but they have to really have that personality, not just be faking it.
artvandelay
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Be proud to be an adult! It is a lot more fun to be grwon up.
mica892
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Wait... it is OK for men to play World of Warcraft for 48 hours straight, wear Batman t-shirts and eat nothing but pizza and Frosted Flakes, but women must not? Your double standard defies logic. If the men that I knew would stop jerking off to Jessica Alba and Paris Hilton, dating might become a more attractive pursuit. Perhaps now that you see what the thirty something males look like to straight women, you will rethink reliving your cartoon years.
skepticle
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Mentioning World of Warcraft players is not exactly relevent. There was no mention within this article that justifies that kind of lifesyle either. Why must it be that whenever something comes into question, someone has to say "Well, what about so and so?". Just because the focus is currently on one topic, doesn't mean it needs to encompass ALL topics.
roflguy
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Correction, there was some vague relevence, but there is no double standard here. The use of the word "affliction" in this quote signifies that it's not something to be proud of: "Man-child Syndromethe affliction that causes thirtysomething guys to cling to adolescencemay be rampant, but lately it's women who are taking the lead in regressing." Not only that, but this quote DOES show that the author recognizes the problem, but for the moment is staying on topic.
roflguy
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To skepticle:
The difference is that nobody assumes that women actually WANT guys who act like you describe. Women think that it's okay to act tweens because they think that's what guys want, when the reality couldn't be further from that.
AndrewJC
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Maturity isn't about fashion sense or whether or not you play computer games. It's about taking responsibility for your actions and treating other people with consideration. Everything else is just gravy.
starkruzr
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I'm only 22, but I found this article to be extremely relevant even to "women" of my age. If I hear one more girl (yes, girl) of my age talk in a baby voice any say things like "cuddow" instead of cuddle, I will lose all faith in the female gender. Grow up. I admit that from time to time I put on the "cute" act for my boyfriend, but it freaks the heck out of me when I see girls my age acting and talking like kids. Are they going to be married and still growl at their husbands when they make them mad? Staying young in spirit does not require actually acting like a child. And if men do find that sort of thing attractive I think that's pretty pathetic as well.
LeftOfCenter
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How about we stop telling people what to do and let THEM decide what it means to be an adult? Who are you to tell someone they are being child like? Who died and made you the holy dictator of other people's lives?
drewsus
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Actually I like the dingy young acting ones, I mean really if I want good conversation, I'll talk to one of my well educated friends, If I want dirty sex and a hot girl on my arm I could careless how childish and slutty she looks. Thats what I want Take That !
tr0y
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Oh, Mr. Dumenco, please be aware of what you speak! You never cease to amaze me!
aobz
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The argument for narcissicism is accurate to a point, in my opinion. I think people are enjoying a new perspective on sex, life, and the human mind/experience in general.
There is "new room" to be occupied, so to speak. No matter how "new" it really is, it seems new enough.
And, rather than exploring the new social phenomenon through rhetoric, theory, and observation - endeavours which would bear little fruit, being that intellectualism can be slippery to cultivate and engage, or generally bring forth in others (due to various social factors) - they explore the new social mindstate first-hand. That is, "first-hand", "tangibly", "notch by notch" so to speak. Mistakes, disaster, and success alike.
I believe that people are perhaps sacrificing themselves, knowingly and unknowingly, to an incomplete system of functioning. A skeleton of a full society. The early stages of a bridge.
They seek their *more simply forseeable* benefit rather than plugging in for the long-haul; a full, robust, adult, well-adjusted social environment. Indeed, co-ordinated social effort can be difficult, but one question must be asked and answered honestly by all: "Are We TRULY Happy, Or Just TEMPORARILY Happy?"
Ask yourself who ISN'T asking this question publicly. Ask yourself what's in the way. Ask why we can't recognize one another's humanity, one another's simple biology - and, the simple satisfaction thereof. I think those two things are our base for new agreement, frankly.
erqwa
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I think it's hilarious that there is an article front & center on this site wondering how & why some women have turned into tweens with their talk, dress, language & actions, yet if you click on the picture of the Olly girls just below- you'll read an article about how these girls are regarded as "totally fake, totally ditzy, & totally irresistable"... Sites like this are a breeding ground for the behavior where women want to mimic what they think is "irresistable"... too funny... this site should stick with the photos & leave the social commentary out.
Luv2Learn
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This blog tends to blame women for childlike looks and behavior without acknowledging the societal focus on the allure and appeal of youth. I agree that women should not shape their lives to comply with the pressure. However, what about the men who want an insipid woman BECAUSE acts like a toddler? I have a 61-year old male acquaintance who is obsessed by a 53-year old woman who is, in his words, "thin and vivacious." For him the primary appeal is a woman who is thin enough for him. And this woman has the emotional maturity and intellectual capacity of a 6-year old. He claims he loves her because she's thin and so silly she embarrasses his teenaged daughter. So appearance is everything. She does not come close to meeting a minimum intellectual standard, but the attraction appears to be purely physical. How many men are like that, really? How do intelligent, attractive, proud to be grown-up women respond to such abject silliness? I have to say that this is a woman who makes all women look bad. But then he is a man who make good men look bad. I would like a male response.
june23_01
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Guys who are in their late 40's playing playstation, lowering their cars, putting amps in the back taking up carspace for traveling, tinting the lights, and dresses like a 20 yr old would that not be the same as what this is about only difference is gender? Would this fit the catagory... If so, I got one of those and cant seem to deal with the ways...I am more of a professional with goals and life could pass him by.. he is content with what he has...how do you explain to a person like this that their character seems a bit too young for them??
Curious1
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