Are You Raising a Douchebag?
Your indulgent parenting is spawning a generation of entitled hipster brats.
-By David Hochman
-Photograph by Alex Tehrani
Do you think it's cute when 4-year-olds opine about Damien Hirst and demand heirloom tomatoes? Sound off below.
Photograph by Alex Tehrani
Let us begin with the assumption that if you are a parent, you wish for your child every advantage and opportunity. From the ergonomic high chair to that all-important first sushi experience and beyond, life should be as golden for your little one as it is for, say, Pax Jolie-Pitt.
But inevitably the moment arrives when all your doting and care come back on you in the form of a precocious little barb that reminds you in no uncertain terms of . . . you. It might be that his friend Jake's eighth-birthday party was "unbelievably lame" or that "it's weird that Brandon's family flies first-class and we don't," or maybe it's simply that "these taquitos taste like turd."
It's then that you must reckon with the real possibility that your drive to make little Johnny better, smarter, and hipper has merely turned him into a douchebag. Put it this way: If it's your child, not you, who gets to choose your weekend brunch spot, or if he's the one asking how the branzino is prepared, it's probably time to take a hard look at your own behavior.
It's not like we're the first generation to turn out Frankenkinder. Since the dawn of time, parents have been dressing their kids in ridiculous sailor suits and dragging them on ski trips to Gstaad. But lately it feels like we're scaling new heights as bad examples. We create parenting blogs that transform our preschoolers into fetishized celebrities. We subscribe to magazines that suggest buying a 5-year-old a $400 Marc Jacobs cashmere hoodie. We think it's cute when our kids learn to text message (until we realize POS means "parent over shoulder") and quietly rejoice when they can tell which Ramone is Dee Dee and which one is Joey.
Alas, convenient as it might be, we can't blame the children. "There's no such thing as a spoiled gene," says parenting expert Michele Borba, author of Don't Give Me That Attitude! "The brat factor is all learned." Which means that if you're the dad pushing Junior around in a limited-edition Bugaboo stroller by Bas Kosters ($2,000), carrying a Louis Vuitton diaper bag ($1,380), and checking in at a members-only parenting club like Citi-babes in Manhattan (annual membership: $2,000), your offspring are probably developing some serious entitlement issues. Just read the news. The Wall Street Journal recently reported on the rise of sixth-grade "fashion bullies" who terrorize peers who don't wear Junior Dolce & Gabbana. Then there was the New York Times article on youngsters—4-year-olds!—who fancy themselves collectors of highly coveted works of art.
It's not just about money, though. Since the nineties, a surge in overprotective parenting has promoted discussion over discipline and made leisure activities contingent upon nanny CPR training (have you ever even considered letting your kid play with a pocket knife or a rusty Flexible Flyer, never mind have a paper route?).
In 1999, Katie Allison Granju wrote a book, Attachment Parenting, about the virtues of catering to the needs and emotions of the very young, from breast-feeding-on-demand to co-sleeping. While she still advocates that approach, she also believes that society tries to turn babies into children too fast and then treats older kids much like babies. Her forthcoming book is titled Let Them Run With Scissors: How Over-Parenting Hurts Children, Parents and Society. "We no longer allow children to have personal autonomy, to experience hard knocks, or to take real risks," she says. "The result is a nation of overweight, overindulged, overly neurotic kids who whine and moan and often can't function on their own."
It certainly doesn't help that we 21st- century thirty- and fortysomething parents expect our children to dress, speak, and appreciate Roxy Music just like us. "The Mini-Me phenomenon of kids wearing Sex Pistols T-shirts and sending back foie gras is cute but also gross and dangerous," says Ada Calhoun, the editor-in-chief of Babble, an online bible for hipster parents. "If you've turned your kid into a carbon copy of yourself, that kid loses his voice. He's only trying to please the grown-up, who only wants to live vicariously through the kid."
Greg Ramey is a child psychologist with nearly 30 years of experience counseling families and children at Dayton Children's in Dayton, Ohio. He says the biggest change he's seen is that parents no longer want to act like parents. "Over and over, I see parents who try to be their kids' best friends," he says. "That's a flashing red light. Our kids don't need to be our buddies. They can like us when they're 30. Mostly what kids want is for a parent to be in charge."
The consequences of parental boundary blurring are everywhere. As Vanity Fair recently noted, 2007 is the "year the mothers of Hollywood's wild girls—Paris, Lindsay, and Britney—have found themselves almost as much a part of the tabloid circus as the daughters themselves."
Fortunately, it's never too late to fix the problem. Sharon Pieters sees kids with terrible behavior make the turnaround week after week, and it has everything to do with parenting, she says. The former nanny runs Child Minded, a parent-coaching company that goes into homes to vanquish the Scylla and Charybdis of offspring hell: disrespect and boorishness. For $1,200 a day, Pieters will help parents tame their brats. Whether it's a problem with too much stuff ("I visited some kids in Long Island who had their own moon bounce," Pieters says) or incessant back talk ("Some children's vocabulary is limited to 'Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!'"), the solution is the same: "Set limits and stick to them." The hard part for most moms and dads is admitting there's a problem in the first place. Borba, the parenting writer, says, "The last thing parents today want after a day of work is to come home and be a cop. They think it's going to hurt the child's self-esteem to get a hard no. But you have to look at your kids and say, 'Are they turning out the way I want them to turn out?' If not, it's up to you to start to change things."
That takes care of the kids, but what about you? A possible solution comes from Asra Q. Nomani, who recently wrote an essay on Babble about being trapped in a cycle of out-of-control birthday parties, in which she kept trying to outdo the previous year's festivities. Turns out what her kid liked most wasn't the trip in the limo to the recording studio or even the playtime with a real tiger cub. It was the simpler, everyday stuff, the things that any kid's birthday party might include, like a birthday cake. Which makes you realize, the next time your inner douchebag tells you to book Criss Angel for your son's fifth birthday, you might want to take a deep breath and give yourself a hard no.
RSS content feeds
pocket knife, boomerang, fish, hammer, drill, saw, clip the branches off last years Christmas tree with pruning sheers for the perfect spear....Of course...talk back to your Mother, question my authority, look out! There is a balance, kids should not have "attitude", you earn that by being out on your own , either paying your own rent, or in your own home, not mine, you don't get it when you are 11 under my roof. Its hard to acheive the balance with 4 kids, but raising a p.i.t.a. i can't bare.
jccodez
Nov 28, 2007 2:04:09 PM
its wrong that by trying to bring our kids up with the things we didnt even dream with as kids they turn to be such little, excuse the word, assholes.
GianniO
Nov 29, 2007 2:19:28 AM
it is incorrect to assume that a child needs to be a gourmand, a germ freak, a fashion nazi, or worse yet, one of those know-it-all children that we all couldn't stand in grade school. as much as other families want to flaunt their social and economic status, i'd hope my children were content picking their noses and playing in the dirt.
standardfl
Dec 4, 2007 6:28:27 PM
What do you expect, when these kids were raised on the Rugrats, where every other line is some smart assed comment towards an adult? Or when they're watching the "adults" on the Real World act like wild animals when they should be in the real "Real World", with jobs, bills, and commitments? It's easy to blame the parents, but they have to work for a living and when they can't be there the void gets filled by sh*t generated by a mass media intent on ruining American society to line it's own pockets. Meanwhile the Boy Scouts get sued by the ACLU, Outward Bound is assailed as a "Conservative Recruiting Tool", and church youth groups can't get any funding from the public sector because of "separation of church and state". You tell me where the real problem lies here. Don't blame the parents, blame yourselves for the Echo Boomers if you agree with that line of thinking.
HChinanski
Dec 5, 2007 2:22:13 AM
Scary Kid!
janette
Dec 5, 2007 9:11:14 AM
We need to get back to poppin these smart-ass kids in the mouth when they sass back.
If you're old enough to talk back, you're old enough to get popped in the mouth.
jeru
Dec 5, 2007 11:25:15 AM
This comment is directed to "standardfl." It is understandable that some parents have to work. However, does that make them any less responsible for thier child? You are a parent first and foremost. Technology has come a long way, and you can now block certain television stations. Oh wait, we have been able to do that for years! Don't blame anyone else for your "douchebag" kid.
Calvin770D
Dec 6, 2007 9:13:25 AM
Are psychopaths born or made? Lets' say they're made (i.e. for 1%-3% of the population psychopathy which is latent in many more becomes activated). A douche-bag kid may end up as a wasters (no fortitude) as a grown-up, may become a narcissisit (like centered around an empty sense of self), may turn it on it's head and become straight-laced (reject parents' values). Or, the douche-bag kid might become a super-manipulator/predator: a psychopath.
DrSteve
Dec 6, 2007 12:08:06 PM
This is directed to "jeru." Sure, you can try monitoring your children and the content they are exposed to 100% of the time, but what can you do about the "children's" cartoons that appear to be innocent at first glance, yet on further analysis you find that they're filled with negative influences. We are left with having to preview everything we allow them to watch and hope that we can detect the subtle influences as well as the more obvious ones. We are flooded with more negative media than positive, the purpose of which is to simply entrance as much of the populace as possible so that it continues to buy the products and live the lifestyles that are advertised. The people running this business don't care if your children become degenerates. Like any other business all they care about is money, and if creating degenerative cartoons and movies will get the attention of more people (the lowest common denominator) then so be it. Our responsibility is to defend the structures of positive influence (crumbling under the grinding foot of the perverted media) and refuse to accept the garbage the media puts out. Unfortunately our society is now flooded with degenerate media. We are lucky if we can filter out the worst of it inside our home, and we are left hoping and praying that we taught our kids well enough to reject the nonsense they are exposed to outside of our home.
griffinm
Dec 6, 2007 1:00:24 PM
It is possible to choose not to have an accessible television. Perhaps this seems like more "work" to begin with, but in the long run it is worth it. I have worked as a nanny, and we allowed the children 1/2 hour of tv per day, after the age of 3, and this was limited to Sesame Street. The only other time we watched was together, and often the kids would become bored and want to go play. These kids spent their spare time drawing, playing etc... They did not complain about missing tv because they weren't trained to rely on it for entertainment. While I certainly understand the amount of time and energy it takes to actually pay attention to children, and that it can be difficult after a long day at the office, the effort pays off when your child grows to be well-behaved and compassionate (most of the time - ALL kids misbehave). If you wait until you've raised a superbrat, the effort it will take to turn that around will be daunting. The kids I used to nanny for are now attending good colleges, and they still don't spend that much time watching tv.
chicken92
Dec 8, 2007 11:06:44 AM
insanity
cnpba
Dec 10, 2007 5:11:35 PM
Let's face it, assholes are everywhere. Every time I see a kid whose an asshole I look no further than the asshole parent standing next to them and catering to their every whim. On the other hand, I believe in balance and know lots of little kids who are cool, smart and fun to be around. They don't play up to any pretention...in short, they are just normal little kids. Let's not start sounding like grumpy old men just yet...there's plenty of time to gripe about the "in my day" bullshit. Let's give the next generation a chance before we shit on them.
WMcG
Dec 12, 2007 8:51:32 AM
As a substitute teacher, I know I'm a flaming geek, even working in the presence of middle-school and high-school students these days; and when I "suggest" to them, with my Marine-Corps Drill Seargant bark that *I* am the one in the classroom who is important, well, I've been greeted with everything from suggestions that I was bipolar to the thought that I had anger-management issues. (Well, maybe the anger management isn't entirely what it should be, but I'm not as bad any of these kids imagine me to be,) Have we all wussed out as parents that much?
PeterTeacher
Dec 22, 2007 10:23:51 AM
Am I the only one who sees the irony that this article (the title and photos are hilarious) was published in a magazine with K-Fed on the front? Not only that, Details seems to be one of the magazines that makes a living off of pushing the very values this guy criticizes.
E_Bone
Jan 1, 2008 9:37:33 PM
i am writing details to ask if you would allow sahjayda to do a fashion layout in its magazine. Allowing Details to be one of the first to experience this opp.
tattered
Jan 3, 2008 9:23:43 AM
As a mother I can affirm that I am proud of my child.
He is 8 yrs old and he has an opinion about the way this or that restaurant makes sushi. He can tell the difference between a well prepared meal and crap.
He knows there are brands, put he is not into it.
I think it is very difficult to judge parents by looking at their kids. Probably kids that behave like snobbish nouveau riche makes his parents very proud too!
The question is: are they also giving them the tools to continue to be rich and able to afford that kind of style?
If the answer is YES, leave them alone and matter your own buss. If NOT, it is also not your business too, is it?
Parents should know how to raise their kids and not spend US$1,200 a day to have someone doing the job for them!!!!
creative01
Jan 6, 2008 6:43:05 PM
i think this article is great!! but i wished it touched upon other issues like kids having cell phones and their own wallets! kids are becoming these mini adults. i am 17 and i even notice change! when i was eight or nine, i never had a cell phone or even thought of having one! parents need to start saying no, like mine. and because of their choices, i am not as materialistic as i definitely would have been. now do i just blame parents? ,of corse not! the world we live in now, i believe, is SO COMMERCIALIZED!! and will it keep getting worse? YEP!!!
chrizzoh
Jan 10, 2008 7:34:38 PM
There's an ancient Chinese quote from Confucius that loosely (very loosely) translated says, "Kids today ..." I'll bet there's an article in Poor Richard's Almanac written by B.F. Franklin that talks about how colony children were behaving as if they were entitled to freedom from the English ... We think we're struggling with more than our parents because now that we're in it, it's really hard. It was really hard in Confucius' time too. I'd like to see more in this article about how to do it-ten tips to help you take the pretense out of pre-teen. Or How to recognize when "no" becomes "no, unless you embarrass me."
rnmi
Jan 11, 2008 1:57:49 PM
and again I came to complete my comment after watching the new movie about the nanny.
If parents are buying D&G diapers and dream that their children's crap smells like flowers, that does not necessary make their offspring assholes as mentioned.
I know children in Brazil attending to BRIT prep school while their parents are busting their asses to give them a better oportunity in life; the same children come back home and call the same parents loosers because they do not own an industry like some dad from some snob from their classroom.
what I mean to say is that parents do influence their children but also society contributes to it, internet, advertising, other friends parents etc...
Second, what do you expect from a country that brings Paris Hilton to the top and highlights every move that airhead princess make? HELLO!!!
you americans put her in major channels like fox and CNN. Worship slaves of fashion, raise slaves of fashion and than you have children that care only to have cell phones at the age of 5 and D&G jeans etc...
and again, I do not share the opinion that only parents are making mistake but one has to carefully pay attention to the society their children are inserted.
Anyways, most of the kids are raised by nannies so when exactly these parents noticed that their children were misbehaving???
Some of them give parties is beauty salons for 10 years old girls!!! They will certainly become new paris hiltons...
in a nut shell: how am I raising my child? do I need to pay 1200 to learn how to do it? is that hard?
maybe in america, not here.
creative01
Jan 15, 2008 7:30:57 PM
What kind of trash talk are you guys endorsing? Is the editor so illiterate that he/she condones the term "douche-bag" appropriate for publication? Not to mention the obnoxious photo of the kid. DETAILS get some class!
slavezzo
Mar 3, 2008 12:32:41 AM