Would You Really Be Okay With a Gay Kid?
Why so few guys can handle having sons who like Barbie better than G.I. Joe. Read the story and share your opinions in the comment section below.
-By David Hochman
-Photograph by Tierney Gearon
Jerry (not his real name) is an unapologetic Hollywood liberal. He drives a Prius and supports Barack Obama. He's as open-minded about homosexuality as a fortyish heterosexual Little League dad can be. In fact, as someone who's responsible for the day-to-day operations of some of TV's biggest comedies, Jerry might as well be the mayor of Gayberry. "If I'm on a set and there are no gay people, I actually get worried," he says.
Geoff (not his real name) is the same way. A history professor and author in New York City, he is surrounded by a veritable gay army—his editor, his literary agent, his closest confidants ("Gay, gay, way gay," he says)—and that's the way the happily married 42-year-old father, whose idea of heaven is courtside Knicks seats, likes it.
But while Jerry, Geoff, and other progressive dads of their generation are more than happy to down margaritas and watch Project Runway with gay friends, they're not so comfortable with the idea of their own offspring going the way of Dumbledore. And only on the condition of anonymity will they elaborate on why, exactly.
"That," Geoff says after a pained sigh, "would be tricky." He explains that it was worrisome enough when his 6-year-old son watched the Hannah Montana movie recently "with a little too much glee." Jerry too has reckoned with the issue. When his son, now 8, was 3, "he made us buy him a princess costume for Halloween. I thought, Oh, shit. Here we go. But then we went to his friend Joshy's house, and Joshy said, 'You can't dress up as a girl.' At which point my kid threw Joshy to the ground. I thought, Okay, we're gonna be fine."
If you're a father, chances are you've had a similarly conflicted inner dialogue. No matter how enlightened you are (or think you are), when it comes down to it, you don't want your kid to be gay. You may chuckle when little Leo dons butterfly wings and plays tea party for the third day in a row(hey, it's just a little gender blurring), but you're really thinking, No, God, no. This all gets especially complicated when you move in social circles where homophobia is considered as inconceivable as pedophilia, and where parents throw coming-out parties for grade-school boys to show how tolerant they are (this is actually happening in places like Berkeley, California). Caitlin Ryan, a clinical social worker in San Francisco, has heard of at least a couple of these events. "Parents have had a variety of celebrations," she says. "And this is another way to mark a rite of passage."
Dr. Edgardo Menvielle, who runs the Gender and Sexuality Development Psychosocial Programs at Children's National Medical Center in Washington, D.C., frequently sees patients as young as 2 or 3 setting off the gaydar of their parents and teachers, and says it's always a cause for alarm, or at least confusion, for the parents. "They like to appear cool and relaxed about gender issues," he adds. "But deep down they're not acknowledging what they really want, which is for their kids to be 'normal' members of society."
Menvielle's program publishes a guide to help parents distinguish between, say, boys who are merely curious about Mommy's high heels and those who are bound for the Yellow Brick Road. Behavior associated with gender nonconformity is usually first noticed in children between the ages of 2 and 4. Boys may show an interest in women's clothing, avoid rough-and-tumble play, or actually express the desire to be girls or claim they really are girls. "The key is a pattern over time," Menvielle says. "But what happens sometimes is parents see their son pretending to have long hair and they immediately jump to conclusions."
The fact is, parents—dads especially, even those who cry at weddings and like to make soufflĂ©s—take pride when their kids follow culturally ingrained gender roles. When the kids don't, things feel weird. As Ron, a 37-year-old postdoctoral student at UCLA with two sons under 5, says, "It really makes me happy to see my 4-year-old decked out in Texas Longhorns gear. But I gotta tell you, when my wife took him to a 'fairy hunt' recently and he came home talking about all the fairies he saw, I was more than a little uncomfortable." And that's coming from a man who worked at an art gallery for four years and has never voted Republican.
It may sound like liberal-dad hypocrisy, but guys like Ron say it's their hyperawareness of gay culture that makes them so fear the idea of their kids being homosexual in the first place. "You see the news; you see movies like Brokeback Mountain and Boys Don't Cry," Ron says. "You think, It would be a hell of a lot easier if my kid turned out not to be gay."
But so what if he did? "I think parents overestimate the miserable life their children will have if they're gay," says Ritch C. Savin-Williams, the director of Cornell's Sex & Gender Lab. "We've seen incredible, progressive changes in terms of gender and sexual diversity in the last 20 years. I think what parents are really worried about is that having a gay child will somehow reflect poorly on their parenting."
Having collected coming-out stories for nearly two decades, Savin-Williams has made one especially interesting discovery: Parents who say they're open to the idea of homosexuality are often the most difficult for a child to come out to. "Perhaps they make a distinction between your kid and mine," he says. "It's nice for other people's children to be gay or to have gay friends, but one's own child is a different story. Indeed, some of the young people say religiously conservative parents respond the best, because of the value of family. But it's the progressive, holier-than-thou parents who often can't cope."
In the end, whether you embrace the "Go ahead and wear glitter, son" attitude or sigh to yourself when your 6-year-old boy braids Barbie's hair, it probably matters more to you and your sense of who you are than it does to your kid. In his book The Memoirs of a Beautiful Boy, Robert Leleux writes about his mother's over-the-top enthusiasm for his boyhood interest in show tunes, boas, and Barbra Streisand movies. "To my mother, the idea of having a gay son seemed Cecil Beaton-y and glamorous," Leleux says. "And guess what? I became the gayest kid in America."
Psychotherapist Don Clark, who's spent 30 years counseling gay clients and families in San Francisco, says, "In my experience, most kids have a sense as early as 4 or 5 of whether they're gay or not, and by 7 or 8 that identity is there. Some will tell you it was always there. The trick for parents isn't monitoring whether their kids are gay or not but just letting them be who they are." Besides, if you're as open-minded as you believe you are, you'll be okay with it either way.
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As a gay parent myself, I've experienced this exact same conundrum. I've been with my partner for 16 years now and we both were privileged to have the experience of raising a son that came from my prior (heterosexual) marriage. I had never been truly "out" but my partner lived his entire life being gay...including his family knowing.
I always had fears that my son would be gay. And fears, they only were. Ultimately I did not want my son to have to go through the trials and hardships of growing up and being gay. This thinking got my friends and partner yelling at me, grilling me and debating me left and right. (Or at least left!)
It was brought to my attention that after working so hard myself, and supporting the gay movement, that if our son ended up being gay, he would be so in a much different society and with a loving and very supportive family. So I got over it.
Did he end up gay? Nope. He's now in high school, enjoying the girls he picks up being on the football team. As for the position he plays, I couldn't tell you...hey I'm gay (football what's that?). But I can tell you that I'm am incredibly proud of him and know that he's doing something defensive and attacking the quarterback guy on the field.
mjcamp
Mar 19, 2008 8:00:13 PM
I really don't understand, how playing with barbie's or wanting to wear mothers heels has anything to do with being gay, that sounds more among the lines of mannerisms, which yes a boy may grow up and want to wear dresses and like feminine things, but he necessarily wont grow up to be gay, maybe just effeminate. But i don't think it's fair to fuel this kind of interpretation of gay people, just because this is all that todays media portrays of "gays" on tv, like in silly style show's, which in the long run gives a certain connotation to gay people as these quirky characters obsessed with style and feminine things, I myself am gay and growing up i knew it, but I never had a desire to dress up like a woman or have been attracted to feminine things, and as a lot of my gay friends share this view. A homosexual is simply someone that is attracted to the same sex, but what this article is talking about is about effeminate men/boys and that automatically gets pinned on homosexuality and to be quite honest this article is a bit stereotypical , and unfortunately that is the only one perception of gay people on the media and in basically anything you hear, why? because there is almost never an interpretation on tv of homosexual men, who are just regular men who happen to be attracted to the same sex, of course a show would never sell if you couldn't hear the gay guy coming from miles away. Because there could never be a gay role model that isn't braiding someones hair or doing someones makeup, and the only reason you don't notice these other gay men, is because they are just like everyone else. So lets continue to ridicule the rest of the gay community, so these oh so insecure fathers can continue to have this fear of their son's growing up to be a drag queens. In the long run thats what these fathers are truly afraid of, it's these misinterpretations that they see, and hear,... can you blame them?
monsieur_seiya
Mar 20, 2008 7:52:17 PM
I am disgusted by "Geoff" and "Jerry" and agree with your suggestion that they are liberal hypocrites. In fact, your article is full of stereotypical remarks about gays, Democrats, Republicans, conservatives, liberals...I am a conservative, female, mother of a gay son. My social views have always been progressive and there are more like me than you would ever imagine. I even live in the far-flung region of the country known as the Midwest, imagine that. I suspect you were attempting to present enlightened people grappling with a sensitive topic, but they showed themselves to be examples of the NIMBY mindset. Our son never played with Barbies, never wore high heels or butterfly wings, or any of your other ignorant stereotyping. You reminded me of the mom of a gay friend of our son's, who accused her husband of not taking their son to the hardware store enough when he was a child, and that's why he "became" gay. Please stop with your elitist, Prius-driving, Obama-supporting superior attitude. "Geoff" (isn't that a gay spelling) and "Jerry" make me ill. All this article did was reinforce those who think homosexuality is a disease that we hope our children don't get.
scootermom
Mar 21, 2008 10:01:49 AM
You finally pushed me over the edge with your article “Would you really be okay if your kid was gay?” Welcome to 2008 people. If your kid is gay, you better “make it work” as Tim Gunn says, because there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. If you plan on bringing kids into today’s world, you better be okay with a good one in ten of them batting for the other team. The portrayal of gay life you saw in Brokeback Mountain is a thing of the past folks.
For years, I’ve thought of Details as the gayest, yet most homophobic magazine in existence. From your degrading “Gay or Straight?” page you’ve run on your inside back cover for years, to articles like this one, I just have to ask you – do you really think straight men read your magazine? I’d really like to have a chat with who does your marketing research, because I’ve got news for you ladies: Details is maybe one notch less gay than Genre magazine. Maybe! It’s as if you all live in this fantasy world that your readers are people like Jack Nicholson, and Tiger Woods. Your readers are more like Perez Hilton and Lance Bass.
The only reason I have a subscription to Details is because I had some old airline miles about to expire, that were transferable to magazine subscriptions. I should have let the miles expire.
evets2007
Mar 21, 2008 3:48:16 PM
The boys you describe in your article aren't gay, they have a gender identity disorder. Yes, some gay men have a gender identity disorder, but some straight men like to wear ladies clothes.
Growing up, I heard how gay meant "girlymon", but learned that attitude due to the sexual retardation found in most heterosexual men. Most straight men won't even try to comprehend something beyond their own limited thinking. Like Mick Jagger said "he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke the same cigarettes as me."
jsomervi
Mar 23, 2008 6:11:22 PM
I am the mother of a gay son and this article got my attention simply because I am STARVING to learn all I can about this relatively new territory. I enjoyed reading the comments as much as the article because they caused me to think of the article in a different light. I really need to dialogue with others who have walked in my shoes. How do I find those people who can be unbiased, open, and not become angry because of who I am in contrast to who my son is? Seriously, I know they're out there...in increasingly greater numbers! Talk to me!
easytwist
Mar 25, 2008 5:52:38 PM
Easytwist
Contact your local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They are parents, like you, and they will accept you and listen to you and support you and not be angry or demand that you be some certain way.
They've been there and gone through it (or are there going through it) and they want to help. Check your phone book or get on the web because there is probably a PFLAG chapter very close to you.
TimothyKincaid
Mar 25, 2008 8:47:39 PM
Wow. This article would have been a lot more refreshing without the ridiculous stereotypes and generalizations. For example:
a) as a kid I played with G.I. Joes. They just shacked up sometimes.
b) I drink Budweiser when I watch Project Runway, not margaritas.
I'm pretty glad to see the quote about how parents overestimate how miserable their gay children will be, my own included. The only significant differences between my life and those of my straight brothers are that when I started having sex I never had to worry about getting anyone pregnant, and that when I get married my husband and I will be able to go down to the orphanage and pick out the prettiest, smartest kid, two huge benefits in my opinion.
That said, I do understand some of Geoff and Jerry's fears. I have to admit (double standard, I know) that I'd prefer my son to be gay. Maybe I'm overestimating how miserably dull his life will be if he can only have sex with women.
P.S. Trying to show me tolerance through support of Barack Obama doesn't really work. Although Hillary isn't singularly gung-ho on getting me the right to marry, Barack thinks my relationship should never be called a marriage. I came to Canada for university, but I'm staying because I respect myself enough to refuse second-class status in the States. I highly recommend that all my people take note.
ericinmontreal
Apr 8, 2008 1:50:51 PM
As a gay man, I'm not at all angry about the stereotypes in the article, or the parents that worry about them. I'm out, proud, and if I had a child, I'd want him/her to be straight. Not because I hold stereotypes about gays, but because it is more difficult, especially in terms of employement and other legal and financial protections.
So stop busting on the parents, everyone! It's perfectly fine to love your child unconditionally and not be entirely comfortable with them. That conundrum goes far beyond sexual orientation, by the way. All these parents acknowledged that they would need to work on it, and that it's the parent's problem. I have more of an issue with self-righteous liberals who won't allow people time to evolve.
ThoughtAboutIt
Apr 10, 2008 8:13:51 AM
This statement is great, and so true:
"Indeed, some of the young people say religiously conservative parents respond the best, because of the value of family. But it's the progressive, holier-than-thou parents who often can't cope."
The Christians often understand and apply grace, mercy and forgiveness better. People always say they never express "hate the sin, but love the sinner." Some don't, but many do it a lot more than progressives.
mortap
Apr 12, 2008 8:49:42 PM
"The Christians often understand and apply grace, mercy and forgiveness better. People always say they never express "hate the sin, but love the sinner." Some don't, but many do it a lot more than progressives."
In your dreams. So-called "Christians" are directly responsible for screwing up more gay kids than you can possibly imagine. (And I'm a gay Christian, BTW, so please just don't go there.)
The capacity for people to delude themselves simply doesn't have an upper limit, it appears....
buggsy
Apr 21, 2008 12:19:33 PM
I am the father of a wonderful young man, who happens to be gay. When he came out, I feared for his safety in the world and became determined to help him achieve that. It led our family to PFLAG, where now I work every day for his equal rights. Considering other male parent's reactions, I believe it comes down to truly loving your child. If you do, acceptance is the first step, then education, then advocacy.
askrantz
Apr 28, 2008 11:00:16 AM
I don't know where to begin with what is wrong with this article. Equating stereotypical behavior with sexuality? Equating gender with sexual orientation? Quoting anonymous sources? The veracity of this article is unprovable. Why is it automatically assumed that when a boy engages in what is usually classified as feminine behavior, he is destined to be homosexual? Why does the media time-and-time again focus on gay men as effete? Gender and sexual orientation are completely different camps. This article generalizes gender confusion with homosexuality. Any amateur student of psychology can tell you that's wrong. And if you are going to talk about homosexuality, then fathers of daughters who like to play with G.I. Joe, climb trees and toss the football around should also be "anonymously" quoted about whether or not they have any fears that their daughter will grow up to be Martina Navratilova. This article like most unenlightened media merely perpetuates a plethora of stereotypes when it comes to the gay community and gay men in particular. This writer and his editor should be summarily dismissed. Talk about journalistic malfeasance.
seant426
Apr 28, 2008 3:33:47 PM
Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is hosting a week-long series in response to this blog, at www.pflag.org/blog. PFLAG dads are speaking out about their own experiences raising a gay son, and their stories are moving and powerful. Surf over to the PFLAG blog for these amazing, first-person accounts.
sralls
Apr 29, 2008 10:46:01 AM
All too often partents take these early signs far too seriously. Grade-school kids say and do alot of weird things that have nothing to do with their future sexual-orientation. In my free-time growing up as a young boy, i would play with barbies and dress up to perform song and dances for my mom, i was having fun. My dad took me to baseball games and taught me to grill burgers, and never once questioned my orientation.
I am now 22 with a job i love and a beautiful girlfriend i love even more. now in my 20s in my free-time i write and take dance lessons with her. She loves how in touch i am with my self and says her favorite thing about me is when i cry at movies.
provocative
Jun 22, 2008 7:04:21 PM