The Hollywood Gross-Out Girls
There's nothing hot about a woman who belches and tells dick jokes—not even if she's Cameron Diaz.
-By John Sellers
-Photograph by Metz and Racine
There's a moment in nearly every decent episode of The Simpsons when Homer and his alcoholic pal Barney are sitting around Moe's Tavern and the latter lets out a belch so powerful that the wind causes his lips to flap like two pieces of raw bacon draped over a Vornado. This is funny for two reasons: (1) Someone is unleashing a monster burp on national television and (2) that someone is a man.
Yes, women are born with the ability to belch with the best of them, as is regularly proved by little sisters the world over. But as any good sitcom writer (or older brother) can tell you, such behavior is rarely amusing to anyone other than the burper herself—and it gets less amusing the older she gets. Also not funny: When a woman lets one rip. Or hocks a loogie.
It takes but a brief stroll through the pages of Us Weekly to find evidence that we're on the verge of some kind of neo-cavewoman epidemic. There's comedian Sarah Silverman—essentially famous for being a female version of Andrew Dice Clay—pretending to crap her pants in a farting competition on her Comedy Central sitcom.
Sarah Silverman chose to "poop instead"
There's America's Next Top Model winner Adrianne Curry burping intelligible sentences on VH1's My Fair Brady. There's Jessica Simpson bragging in Cosmopolitan "I think it's funny when I clear out a room because I farted." And then there's wannabe punk-rocker Avril Lavigne, who may not dress like a dude anymore but was acting like one when she fired saliva bullets at two different photographers during a 48-hour period in 2006.
Avril Lavigne hocks a loogie on a group of paparazzi
"Celebrities are less concerned with trying to perpetuate this false ideal of a perfect image," says Perez Hilton, the celebrity-gossip blogger, by way of explaining the emergence of these bog beasts. "So what were once these perfect superstars are now seen as regular people."
Regular people? More like frat boys channeling their inner Jackass. Actress Eva Mendes, reminiscing once about a 2005 trip to Nepal during which she shared a hotel room with Cameron Diaz, ruined what could have been the greatest male fantasy since Denise Richards and Neve Campbell got it on in Wild Things by revealing that "Cameron is a big old belcher, but I can't belch." She added, "One night I had a heavy dinner, so I combated her belching with something I could do. We were in side-by-side beds—her disgusting bodily function versus mine. It was an Eva-Cameron fart-belch-off!"
Cameron Diaz showing off her burping skills
This knowledge makes it impossible for any man to enjoy watching 2 Fast 2 Furious ever again. It's hardly surprising that Mendes' roommate that night was Diaz; the actress who is the voice of Princess Fiona in the Shrek franchise has become the poster child for this whole foul trend. Type her name into any search engine and you'll find reports of her grodiness: multiple references to her theory about how everything in life eventually comes back to "poo," the clip of her proudly burping on a British talk show . . . the list goes on. The cause of her and Justin Timberlake's breakup was never reported. Best guess: He dumped her because she wouldn't stop passing gas.
It would be one thing if these female Shreks were cut from the same cloth as Roseanne Barr or Rosie O'Donnell. But the trouble is they're all smoking hot. It's their job to primp and preen and push stuff up to look sexy—what's the point of putting in all that effort if you're only going to undermine the whole operation with gruesome behavior? "You're talking about a group of women who are constantly being told how hot they are and that they can do whatever they want," says E! Online columnist Marc Malkin. "Putting on this act says, 'I'm not this unattainable person—I'm normal just like you!' But I don't care how hot she is, no guy wants to be in the car with Cameron Diaz when she farts and the windows are up."
Remember when Jenny McCarthy was a bombshell? Probably not. Because in the nineties the former Playmate made it her business to have you think otherwise, adopting the habit of reaching into her armpit and then sniffing her hand like Mary Katherine Gallagher, and posing for that infamous Candie's shoe ad in which she sat happily on the crapper holding a newspaper. Ashlee Simpson appears to be on the same trajectory as McCarthy, considering that she boasted in a 2004 interview about her talent for burping the alphabet. "My favorite letter is G," she said. "It is an open consonant and it is at the beginning, when my wind is strong. My worst letter is S."
Most guys would agree that it's kind of hot when women aren't too girly. Far from being rendered intolerable by a few tomboyish traits, a woman who wants to go to a baseball game with you or skips a glass of rosé in favor of a few Buds at your favorite dive bar is a turn-on. And lots of guys find a girl dressed in a hoodie, T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers to be sexy. But when a woman who looks like Eva Mendes—or is Eva Mendes—toots "The Star Spangled Banner" out of her behind, she becomes about as attractive as the aforementioned friend of Homer Simpson's. Or Whoopi Goldberg. Or that weird guy from Hollywood Squares who writes lame jokes for the Oscars telecasts. If we want to hang out with someone who behaves like a man, we'll hang out with, you know, an actual man.
Tyra Banks feeling up Rosie O'Donnell
There is, however, hope. It comes in the form of young celebrities who don't comport themselves like Dom DeLuise in the outtakes from The Cannonball Run. See Natalie Portman, who rapped and swore mannishly (and hilariously) in a much-YouTubed Saturday Night Live sketch but has preserved her schoolgirlish appeal. Or Scarlett Johansson, who may have a raspy voice and a tough attitude but has yet to appear on Letterman making offensive noises with her armpits. If only we could strike some kind of deal with their less-poised peers: Behave more like them, and we'll support you in your non-belching endeavors. Even if it means watching a film like The Holiday. In a movie theater. With witnesses.
What other vulgar vixens should have made our list? Talk back in the comment section below.
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Wow. Your penis must be really, really small. As if you'd ever have the chance to smell a fart from any of the women you name.
badthingus
May 27, 2008 4:23:34 PM
I hope the next girl you date spontaneously combusts from trying to hold in all of her flatus gases.
major_nelson
May 27, 2008 4:53:56 PM
Seriously, it's YOUR job to not be such a sterotyipical douchebag in this day and age. And I'm a guy. My girlfriend is smoking hot, drinks me under the table, and her favorite thing to say to me after we fuck is "high five." Her second favorite thing to say to me when we're hanging out is "pull my finger." It never fails to make me laugh. You seem to be frightened of a woman who isn't frightened to own a pair.
bridegburner
May 27, 2008 6:33:06 PM
yak!
mensreader123
May 28, 2008 3:54:14 PM
Join the new millenium, please. Women are people, who have bodily functions. What you're proposing is essentially your own petty double standard. Men can fart and talk about it but women can't? Grow up, dude. If you have issues with lugies, farts, etc. it should be across the board; it's probably not attractive to them if we do it either.
Brady
May 29, 2008 9:05:18 AM
Wow. I am speechless. I am not by any stretch one of those humorless feminists, but right now I just want to cockpunch you, you chauvinistic asshole.
tasukibeth1
May 29, 2008 10:40:16 AM
Dear Flaming Dildo: News flash! It is not now nor has it ever been very attractive when men do these things, either. I know! Shocking! But I've never noticed that men seem to care much about how disgusting their bodily functions/childish jokes may be to others. So why should any woman care what you find attractive? When you stop being a wanker, I'll stop burping... actually, no I won't.
HoneyBQuick
May 29, 2008 2:26:47 PM
Why, golly, gee, I bet Cameron Diaz had no idea that belching a whole bunch wasn't sexy! And of course in when sharing a hotel room with another actress, with the cameras off, Cameron should have known her first job was to be sexy, just in case later on her roommate would tell the story on television and some guy who writes for details might lose his erection. Did Diaz not consider the danger? I thought she was a professional.
Women really have no idea about how it our jobs to be sexy all the time without rest, because no one has bothered to make hundreds of gossipy magazines emphasizing the importance of being sexy, and of course when men fart and burp women swoon until their ankles snap. You'll have to forgive us for getting it all wrong, and if ever a woman anywhere took a break from being bangable for one second to be grossly funny, I beg your forgiveness on their behalf. I assume the apology card from men to us is in the mail? Yes?
Thank you, though, for letting us fuglies still be occasionally funny. That was quite generous of you.
Toolie McWhosisface does a great job of stepping in to fill the void left after Christopher Hitchens told us about funny women, and how much he doesn't want to sleep with them. As a gender, we care about you guys and your opinions, we really do.
KysoK
May 29, 2008 4:46:00 PM
As if Cameron Diaz or any of those other actresses would give a rat's ass what you think of their bodily functions. They don't have to cater to the fantasies of pathetic little nobodies with tiny, limp penises like you. And frankly, all those claims you make saying, "A woman who belches is not hot, even if she's Cameron Diaz..." etc. are total horseshit. I bet that if Cameron Diaz took a dump on the sidewalk you'd come running to lick it up. Then you'd crawl on all fours and beg for more.
Zaba
May 30, 2008 1:46:20 AM
As if Cameron Diaz, or any of the other actresses you name would give a rat?s ass what you think of their bodily functions. They don?t have to cater to the fantasies of pathetic nobodies with tiny, limp penises like you. And frankly, all those claims you make about these women, ?There's nothing hot about a woman who belches and tells dick jokes?not even if she's Cameron Diaz.? are total horse shit. I bet that if Cameron Diaz took a dump on the sidewalk you?d come running to lick it up. Then you?d crawl on all fours begging for more.
Zaba
May 30, 2008 1:51:35 AM
Some men associate masculinity with being crude and a marked inability to control their bodily functions. I find that equally UN-HOT when they fart, belch, act like foul-minded/foul-mouthed little schoolboys as well. When women decide to be crude, men have to become more crude just to show they are not "girlie." How about this, could we all try to comport ourselves with just a little more dignity?
Dangersea27
May 30, 2008 7:13:32 AM
Some men (not all thankfully) associate masculinity with being crude and an inability to control their bodily functions. When women act crudely, men have to be more crude just to prove they are not "girlie." When men act like foul-mouthed, foul-minded little schoolboys to whom flatus is the height of wit and humor, it is just as unattractive as when women do it. There is a phase in human developement when bodily functions and excretions are of utmost fascination. That phase should end when potty-training is complete. What if we all, men and women, tried to conduct ourselves with just a little more dignity? What if we all relied on actual wit and intelligence to impress and amuse ourselves and others?
Dangersea27
May 30, 2008 7:20:18 AM
Wow, I had no idea that guys still thought like thi. Are we living pre-50's. What guy is still thinking like this. Everyone knows that everyone has bodily functions be they young, old, man or woman. Yes I said young woman. We fart, we belch and sometimes we're even better than a guy. I would like to congratulate the one guy that actually admitted that he finds his girlfriend still hot and funny.
rogan79
Jun 3, 2008 10:13:04 PM
Since when did class become a double standard? I'm all for keeping bodily functions discreet, but that goes for ALL genders. Also, discreet is not the same thing as non-extant. If you're looking for someone who never has to belch or pass gas, you'd better widen your search beyond Homo sapiens.
bluealvarez
Jun 11, 2008 11:43:48 AM
John Sellers made a video!!
http://www.break.com/index/a-song-for-the-ladies.html
titsmagee
Jun 13, 2008 10:04:35 AM
yakkkkk!!!!
mmmeeens
Jun 20, 2008 4:01:29 PM
John, did it ever occur to you that women find it unattractive when insecure and obviously inexperienced men like you attempt to tell women what they can and cannot do based on your warped chauvinistic standards? Newsflash. No one cares what you think is hot, you selfish little prude. And regarding the c-word. I take it you think that should only be reserved for men who want to call women that name. Oh really John...grow up and stop being such a cunt.
AnneHef
Jun 24, 2008 9:54:16 PM