Look Who's Sleeping With Your Wife
It isn't just the tennis pro—there's a whole new crop of predators after her.
-By Peter Rubin
-Photograph by Michael Lewis
Jack, an entrepreneur, had just turned 40, and life was good. He and his wife, Amy (their names have been changed), had three kids and were well-liked in their small suburban town in New England. Then Jack started a home-renovation business, threw himself into his work, and hired a 26-year-old guy who was new to town to be his assistant. Not long after, Amy offered to show the kid around. She told Jack that she was helping his assistant find an apartment, but actually the two of them were sneaking off to a hotel to have sex—regularly. When Jack found out, Amy revealed the hard truth: This guy may not have been husband material, but he was far more interesting and exciting than the absentee spouse Jack had become. He was charming, handsome, and apparently unfazed by the fact that Amy was married.
If you think your wife is going about her daily routine—exercising, working, shopping, taking the kids to after-school activities—without encountering guys who want to sleep with her, you're delusional. She's being hit on all the time. The constant barrage works like conception: Only one of those wriggly bastards has to get through to change your life forever. And the guys crossing her path are a different breed from the ones who were on the prowl even a decade ago. Take the yoga instructor. He's the modern equivalent of Warren Beatty in Shampoo, and his core strength—and genuine way with your wife's Kundalini—isn't lost on her. Then there's that brooding, troubled ex she gets a drink with every now and then. This guy makes her feel needed—in a way that's very different from the way you do when you get home from work and tell her all about your lousy day. The other men she interacts with daily—the stay-at-home dad down the block whose daughter is friends with yours, the boss who so generously gives her flexible hours, the twentysomething soccer coach who looks at her like she's a 21st-century Anne Bancroft—have a hold on her affection simply because they're around when you're not. And what all of these men have in common is that they present a refreshing alternative to, well, you.
"Women having affairs aren't looking to replicate the feelings in their marriage," says Susan Shapiro Barash, the author of A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs That Make or Break Their Marriages. "They're looking for what they can't get in a marriage. If you're married to a brain surgeon you don't go for another surgeon—you go for brawn. If you're married to a plumber, you might be drawn to a professor when you go back to school at night." And if she's shackled to a workaholic, she might be drawn to someone who isn't consumed by ambition.
"I see more women who cheat than men," says Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist and the author of The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You're Far Apart. Barash estimates that close to 60 percent of married women have had extramarital sex.
"With men's affairs, it tends to be not enough sex—with women it tends to be not enough attention and interaction," Tessina says. According to Barash, most women feel an "unrelenting need for romance and excitement." And they're not getting them in the half-hour they spend flipping through magazines while you watch The Daily Show every night after the kids go to bed.
Now think about a yoga session, a one-on-one parents' coffee hour after the playground, a post-soccer-practice chat in the parking lot, a brainstorming meeting over a lunchtime bottle of Sancerre. Connect the dots, familiarize yourself with the new other-man archetypes, and consider looking up from your P&L report once in a while.
THE NEW OTHER MEN
Who are the modern-day Don Juans? Here are the five types a married man should fear most.
1. THE UNDERSTANDING BOSS
The guy who stands between your wife and a corner office is already a success; you're still working your way up the ladder. He's sophisticated and stylish enough to appeal to her sensibilities, and smart enough to figure out her needs. "You're spending more time with your coworkers than with your spouse," psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser says. "I hear a lot of women say, 'We had an intimacy that I've never had with my husband, so could you blame me?'"
2. THE YOGA INSTRUCTOR
He's always calm, always listens, and devotes hours each week to your wife's well-being. While you're checking your BlackBerry or trying to find a clean shirt, he's investing in how she feels about herself—in both body and soul. "It's a spiritual as well as a physical thing—that's very attractive to women," psychotherapist Tina Tessina says. "Women feel like they can connect with the yoga instructor," Kaiser says. "It's 'He wants me to be relaxed, he wants me to be powerful.'"
3. THE STAY-AT-HOME DAD
When you're at the office and your wife is at home with the kids, this is the guy who's got Band-Aids enough for the skinned knees of his daughter and yours. A little emasculated in his own life, he channels his frustration into being a father, because he knows being a Good Dad is catnip to the estrogen set at the playground. "Women with successful husbands are looking for men who have time for them," Kaiser says. "Men who are available to have lunch, to go for a walk."
4. THE DYSFUNCTIONAL EX
Never underestimate the appeal of saving a lost soul. You're all about your family; he hasn't been able to keep a band together, much less sustain a relationship, since she broke up with him nine years ago. He's tortured and hot-blooded, which is appealing to a woman who's found steadiness but lost passion. "If you have emotional stability in your marriage but your sex life is lacking," writer Susan Shapiro Barash says, "then beware the bohemian and bad-boy types."
5. THE KIDS' SOCCER COACH
You might not have played catch with your son since you threw your back out moving the plasma TV, but he's there to high-five your kid after his first goal. With a fresh face and a V-shaped torso, he has just the right combination of physical prowess and sexual naiveté to make your wife feel young and vital and wanted. "It's a need that these guys are providing," Kaiser says. "They shower her with the fabulous things the husband doesn't say anymore."
Are there any other wife snatchers that we missed? Sound off in the comment section below.
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They're gentlemen in the street, thugs in the bedroom, and your wife's steamiest fantasy. Read the article and then post your comments below.
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I am not sure if you want to hear from me since I am "the wife" but I can't help it. There may be a lot of guys out there who want to have an affair but it's still your wife's choice if she responds to it. The truth is that we may be missing some things when we are married to you for a while but speaking for myself I am not looking for more "drama" anywhere else. We are more emotional than you guys and the chance of becoming too attached to our possible affair is just too great. I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have three children. I admit that there are days I can just go crazy about him not appreciating anything I do as a stay at home mom and business owner but I am still crazy about him. He is always too busy making money, being involved, traveling on the job etc. but I know those things make him happy because he feels important.
I can not even picture myself with another man (yes few of them asked me already) not even mentioning sleeping with one. Affairs do not solve your problems or your life they are complicating it further. I think that we as women need to figure out what we want first and then maybe we can start working on it. The fact is that if woman is ready to have an affair she should be as well ready to leave her husband because unless he is a dirt cheating dog who treats her really bad he does not deserve it (and if he is that bad she should leave him altogether). Not paying attention to you is reason to be mad at him but not cheat on him!
My husband and I have survived some really bad arguments but I will always be there for him because I know we love each other and love sometimes means working with other person even they donıt seem to be working with you. I think that having an affair is like ıthrowing the towelı showing you donıt care enough to fight for what you have. If you really love your partner you will learn to compromise, negotiate and accept that some things just wonıt change. You will learn how to concentrate on the positive part of the relationship and sense of having a family rather than try to complaint about everything and anything. Men are not easy to live with but neither are we. You guys know that you are almost like a different "species" when it comes to relationships, feelings and sense of priorities, but you want to be loved as much as we do so shake of the ımachoı syndrome and once in a while be there emotionally as much as you are there as a ıproviderı. Donıt worry it will make you more man in our eyes not less. We will be much less frustrated with you the next time when you're working on your ıall day backyard projectı while we are juggling the kids, work, house, cooking and other things that have to be done. We may want it all: the gentle guy, the bad boy, the provider the bohemian but we prefer to have it ıall in oneı
By the way if there are 60% of women having affair while they are married maybe we should consider the effect of media and celebrities on development of ısocial visionı of marriage. The meaning of marriage is the same as centuries ago but what is acceptable to us is changing dramatically with the evolution of society. If you look around yourself you too have to admit itıs not always change for the better.
So guys stop wasting your concentration on being paranoid that your wife will cheat and start concentrating on what you mean to her and what she deserves from you. If she loves you she will be there for you and you should give her the credit for what she does and some more attention. If we can do it so can you!!! Good luck :o)
RG75
May 28, 2008 9:14:37 AM
Excellent article, I just wish I could have read it 3 months ago, before my wife of almost 10 years decided to have an affair with one of these men who was a refreshing alternative to, well, ME
betrayed
Jun 2, 2008 10:57:10 AM
Too bad you guys didn't mention General Contractors. I know of two couples who were both married for 10 yrs and have 2+ kids each and in both cases the wives were having an affair with the contractor. As my sister's husband pointed out, these guys are the worst. "They have their hand in your wallet and their d###k in your wife." Watch out for the kitchen remodel or that new house you might want to build!
ConcernedWife
Jun 3, 2008 2:49:33 PM
You forgot the lesbian. We can swoop in & steal your wives even easier. Just remember boys, no one can be stolen who doesn't want to be.
NOTJUSTATOMBOY
Jun 4, 2008 10:22:03 PM
Funny I was talking to a girl I met on SexSearch.com about this recently. And she said yes it's true there are a whole new crop of men after going after women. She said the other day she got hit on by her yoga instructor!
DruDownn
Jun 10, 2008 5:34:29 PM
these are true reasons why women cheat, it IS what's MISSING that makes us THINKING that leads to ACTING. but if the women do not speak up then you can;t blame the husband. I have spoken up for years....
alana412
Jul 2, 2008 10:43:00 AM
Women cheat because something is wrong with the marriage. A good marriage will not lead to cheating. A bad marriage leads to cheating as the wife is desparately looking for what she is not getting at home. I cheated once - he never knew but it gave me the confidence to get a divorce. I've never been happier nor have I ever once missed by husband. I regret cheating as I do not think it is a moral but I thank God for the affair and getting me out of a wretched marriage.
Notwhoyouwouldthink
Jul 12, 2008 9:43:43 PM
Don't forget conferences and conventions. It's the easiest game in town! Formal or informal introductions, a couple drinks, and then you always end up on "hows your relationship"? You listen, make them laugh, feel important. You can almost see the juices start to flow.
Men, don't be fooled. Women are as bad, if not worse than men. They lie,sneak,and cover up better.
Imthatguy
Jul 14, 2008 2:26:56 PM
To the guys reading this article, your wife will not be interested other than flattered by any of these guys if she is happy at home. Simple truth. I have had dozens and dozens of proposals over the many years I've been married and not once did I consider cheating with these guys because my husband cared enough about my needs. And in case you are wondering, I truly cared about his. Only when communication totally broke down in my marriage did I even really notice these men. Finally, I chose to leave my marriage. My husband was surprised, he was so wrapped up in his own life, he hadn't even noticed that I was feeling neglected.
So guys, if you get just one thing, get that no woman will stray if she is feeling loved, supported and understood. She will only stray if she is feeling very neglected. You might not want to, but you have to talk to your partners, especially about what each other is feeling. If you aren't prepared to do this, then you are telling your wife you don't care enough about her. Then the guy who knows how to fill the emotional needs that you don't, will get her attention.
ariel1234
Aug 2, 2008 1:46:06 AM
Women tend to be emotional, and therefore easily caught up in the heat of the moment. Make sure you are there for those moments. Alternately, have an open relationship or don't marry. People in America are under the mistaken impression that marriage is all supposed to be fun and effortless. This has never been the case, but in some sense it's harder now, because women are in the work world and interacting with so many others and we are so busy we don't have time for a sane life. Cut away the inessential, the second home, extra car, boat etc. This stuff doesn't matter and you can rent it more cheaply for the meager two weeks vacation you get every year. Expect marriage to be work, and hold yourself to a higher standard if you get married. Also don't marry so readily. People do it just because everyone does, often when it's not the right time or person. Marriage isn't the end-all be-all and you're better off not marrying than having a poor marriage and devastating divorce. Men in particular have little to gain from marriage. That said, if you are a higher status alpha male you have less probability that your wife will stay. Remake yourself at: http://alphadominance.com
alphadominance
Nov 18, 2008 3:45:00 PM