He's Just Not That Into It
Why are guys increasingly rejecting booty calls? Seems they've got feelings too. PLUS: Take our quiz to determine if you're apathetic about—or afraid of—getting laid. Then, join the debate below.
By Em & Lo
Photograph by Levi Brown
One morning a couple of years ago, Tyler Barnett woke up with a woman he barely knew. No surprise there: He was just your garden-variety twentysomething guy, a P.R. man in Los Angeles who enjoyed casual, commitment-free hook-ups. Yet sometime before dawn, something in him shifted. And once the sun was up, he decided he was over casual sex. He chased her out with a flimsy excuse: that he had to get to work.
Sure, Barnett was concerned about STDs and pregnancy. But mostly he'd gotten fed up with putting out. And he's not alone. These days, in seeming defiance of male sexual stereotypes, the guy is suddenly the one saying no.
Click here for the quiz to find out if you're afraid to get laid
Is a man who rejects casual sex a freak of nature? Increasingly, he's not. Putting aside any situation-specific reasons—she's too drunk, she's a stalker, she's got a goiter—some guys are finding they don't like how casual sex makes them feel.
Barnett, for one, has no qualms about screening a booty call. "I got a text this weekend from a girl: 'What are you doing tonight, I miss you, I want to come over.' We've had sex a couple times, but I didn't want to go through the whole song and dance, having to worry about her sleeping over. So I didn't respond." Ben, a 30-year-old account manager in Cleveland, says that in his twenties he used to screw "like it was shaking someone's hand," but now, he says, he's had it with sleeping around. "To do that consistently over a long period of time," he says, "you really have to be emotionless, like a robot." Ben came to loathe the ambiguity of casual sex. "After going out a few times with this one woman, she let me know we'd be better off as friends—but two days later, we're having sex for the first time," he grouses. "It's like, Where are we now?"
Feeling vulnerable, that's where. "It's hard to have casual sex without getting emotionally involved," says Ben, who occasionally goes so far in his just-say-no approach as to abandon a girl at a crowded bar when he senses an impending hook-up. "Eventually, one of you is going to get involved. And in my experience, it seems to be me."
Vulnerability is hardly the only reason a guy might take a rain check. Maybe he doesn't want a gift that keeps on giving. "The number of women who will just sit on a condom-free, erect penis without any kind of announcement or discussion is just shocking," says "Isaac," a 33-year-old L.A. artist who recently finished a one-year sabbatical from casual sex. (Some names in this story have been changed.) "They would just go for it: no latex, no discussion of STDs, not even 'It's okay—I'm on the pill.' Dude!"
Isaac says he won't have sex with someone he's not emotionally attached to. He once walked away from a no-brainer—when a "gorgeous" former student "told me she sucks really good dick"—because he felt he couldn't be giving, as he was emerging from a bad break-up. Another time, turned off by a former lingerie model's excessively dental oral technique and her weird pillow talk, Isaac did the unthinkable: "I just pulled on my pants and made a run for it—out the door, down the steps, onto the street, and into the car."
When a guy hangs up on a booty call, he might be responding to simple biology. "As men age, the refractory period, or the interval between when they are physically ready for sex, gets longer, so they might not be as easily stimulated," says Jean Elson, a University of New Hampshire sociologist who studies voluntary abstinence. Harry Fisch, the author of The Male Biological Clock, says, "Testosterone starts to decrease at age 30"—so your sex drive decreases as your spare tire inflates.
Chemistry might also awaken feelings a man wants to avoid, further deterring him from casual encounters. "Sexual stimulation increases levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is associated with feelings of romantic love," says Helen Fisher of Rutgers University's Center for Human Evolutionary Studies. "And orgasm causes a flood of oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones associated with deep attachment. So a man stands a chance of falling in love or getting attached when he doesn't want to." In other words, according to Fisher, "there's no such thing as casual sex."
But don't mistake a guy's unwillingness to score for an inability to seal the deal. "I never regret not going home with someone, but I frequently regret the opposite," says Brian Battjer, 30, a product manager in New York. "When you've had too much casual sex, it becomes enough to know that you could've taken a girl home—you don't have to actually end up going through with it."
Another New Yorker, "Greg," says he's forced himself to disengage from about 20 near hook-ups—sometimes naked, as when he suddenly found himself showering with a girl before deciding whether he was into her. (Nope.) "Sometimes I can't imagine whether I'll be turned on or off until we're in the moment," he says. "There's plenty of hot girls I've hooked up with who I should be turned on by, but in the moment I'm not." He once claimed cat allergies but got busted two weeks later at a mutual friend's house, where the Cat Lady caught him snuggling a tabby.
No matter what the excuse, a single woman spurned is likely to sound pretty miffed. "I had set my sights on this drummer boy who'd been giving me the eye," says "Amy," a 39-year-old comic. "He acted like we were going to do it, but when we were mid-make-out in his loft bed, he suddenly sprung on me that he'd only had penetrative sex with four women and wanted to keep it that way. I was pissed—because unlike most women, I really only get off from penetrative sex," she says. "What a stupid fucking night that was."
Women, it seems, just aren't used to guys not wanting sex. They rarely believe that no means no when it's the guy who's saying it. "One woman was like, You're kidding, right?" Tyler Barnett says. "And then for hours she tried to convince me to have sex." Another woman challenged his sexuality, he says. "If I acted that way, that would make me a monster."
Here's another double standard: Guys can be made to feel like dicks for withholding theirs. "There have definitely been times I wanted to turn down sex but couldn't bring myself to do it," says "Jeff," a 27-year-old grad student in New York. "We're socially conditioned to feel like pussies if we don't live up to the guys-will-fuck-anything stereotype. And because of this stereotype, women take sexual rejection more personally than men do."
"Being on the other side of someone going through the motions—I know how miserable that is," Greg says. "I'd rather go without."
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interesting
iroizin
Aug 7, 2007 5:06:02 PM
Lies! These are lies! Ladies, we are still happy to get whatever hook-up we can get. And if your chosen booty call turns you down, I am available. :D
ShaneC2000
Aug 8, 2007 11:47:28 AM
i can't imagine that coming from a guy
fullregemail
Aug 9, 2007 9:11:40 AM
totally true - when you start out, every lay is a challenge, when you know the signs of 'triumph' the challenge is complete and lets face it most women aren't that great at sex - it's mostly up to us.
made_guy
Aug 10, 2007 1:03:10 AM
those guys must be gay
artjog
Aug 10, 2007 1:05:58 AM
Sadly, this is very true. I say sadly because I'm a very horny woman and I do take being turned down personally, even when it's not logical to do so.
Part of the problem is that the stereotype that men are hornier than women, and more into casual sex than emotional attachment, is simply not true in my experience. There may be a slight trend that way due to socialization, but for the most part, libido and how people relate emotions to sex are general PERSONALITY traits, not GENDER traits.
made_guy - I think you yourself are probably bad at sex, and/or your choice of partners needs improvement. Or maybe you should switch to men (or stick to masturbation), if you find most women so dissatisfying.
Also, I'm disturbed that the sense of triumph can replace sex itself for you. I mean, I get the challenge thing, I have a bit of belt-notcher in myself, but I still want to be fucked. The fact that you no longer want that, suggests to me that casual sex isn't about sex for you, but solely power and self-esteem.
details_girl
Aug 10, 2007 3:56:34 AM
The fact is that EVERY chick wanting to get laid is not hot. If a chick is hot, there's chemistry she will get laid. The salient fact is that many chicks have nothing going for them and they've been conditioned as men have to believe in certain myths. Women love getting laid as much as men, and yet there is this false myth created that every woman SHOULD be able to get laid which is a fantasy. Not all vaginas are meant for entry. Ladies should face up to the fact that maybe there are just better looking alternatives and the guy wants to bang someone else. I know that there have been a few women who just swore they had the right to get laid, and it just isn't so. There are too many hot women out there who love getting laid that the subpar hotties will just not get laid even if they're throwing out the poonani like confetti at a ticker tape parade.
BespokeBro
Aug 13, 2007 8:51:37 AM
Very interesting..This is a kind of rejection that I could take as a female.
CrazMazi
Aug 14, 2007 11:31:43 PM
Personally I don't believe in stereotypes. Yet, I have found that the majority of men I have encountered have mentioned sex usually in the first conversation. I always feel a sex questions looming. It's interesting to hear that some men are not interested in casual hookups (I was beginning to lose hope here!)..AND it's nice to see that the burden of "catching feelings" is not exclusive to females.
CrazMazi
Aug 14, 2007 11:34:46 PM
I feel a little vindicated reading this. See, I once turned down a potential threesome because I barely knew the girl who initiated and had never even met the other girl. The whole thing was just weird and I basically didn't really trust either of them. I know, its not supposed to be about trust, yada yada. Oh well. The "what are you, gay??" question always comes up after that story (as I'm sure it will here at some point).
There were other factors, for instance the fact that the friend had a toddler running around the house. Way to set the mood there. I had no condoms, didn't know if either of them had any, and plus it was just shocking coming from a girl I hadn't even gotten to do anything with solo yet. Still, the overriding factor was I didn't trust either of them. My reasons may be different, and I've never gone for casual sex anyway, but I do feel a little vindicated reading this.
ceeg1
Aug 16, 2007 8:39:13 PM
I googled Tyler Barnett...turns out he is a real PR guy in LA!! Good looking too. Wish there were more like him out there.
LAblondeee
Aug 20, 2007 6:52:47 PM
there should be more like him
wiredgal
Aug 23, 2007 2:16:37 PM
I agree...when a guy doesn't want sex it's all the hotter. The sex is always better too. Who is Tyler Barnett? Why did they use his last name?
egirl77
Aug 25, 2007 6:44:39 PM
This article is so refreshing. I want to meet Tyler!
jennbear323
Aug 27, 2007 5:13:33 PM
Wow, I am amazed at some of the perspectives here. This article was vindicating as well, I met a fun-loving girl at a social dance, she came crashing through my defenses and I loved it. The next time, she made clear her intentions by placing two condoms under my jacket. It felt like a kick in the teeth, and I was surprised at that because I was expecting to feel "YES!!!!", but no, a kick in the teeth, and I felt a little of my heart break.
I was overcome with mixed feelings; I've always had a habbit of getting emotionally attached and early-on too, never really understood the benefit to playing the "Mr. emotionally dead" role. There were signals, "I've got the day off tomorrow", "I'm just one big stress-ball right now", and I almost regret not going through with it, but hey, I felt used and manipulated by someone I thought I really liked. How can I just have mere fun and recreation with someone I'm smitten with? it's dangerous.
She pursued me a little more for a couple weeks, but withdrew when she realized I was looking for more than just a quick-non-committal fling. Worse, I haven't yet confronted her on it, but I will, and I'm not sure what to say; I want respect, but I also feel regret for not going through with it. If she's pissed-off, she has no right to be, I never made an promises; I had no time to!
All I wanted was a little time to gain some trust, get to know her emotionally, her style, her tastes. I wanted to patiently take-in the sensations of a new human being before indulging in unbridled passions. But she's not into hanging-out, and won't let me get even that close. She's closed-up, getting over an ex, not into connecting on a deeper level. I can't blame her, like I said, it's dangerous. If more and more women these days are becoming this impatient and casual, then you're leaving me behind babe, and I can't go where you're going.
Please, take the high road with me...
Restless12
Aug 28, 2007 3:41:46 AM
Great comment! This is Tyler Barnett. When I was originally approached to do this interview by Em & Lo, I thought "Finally! A chance to vent!" For years I have been frustrated with the double standard imposed on guys. The feeling that just because sex is available, we should jump on the opportunity. There are those who feel emotionally validated by f-ing anything that moves, and for them that's great. Some of us have a bit more self respect and value ourselves enough to not need to satiate that physical heroine-esque craving. Call me gay, call me a pussy, call me whatever you would like. The reality is I love sex. I respect women. I don't objectify them. And it is because of this that I choose not to be a human dildo. -Tyler
TylerBarnett
Aug 28, 2007 7:36:54 PM
There are two many questions out there for me to just have sex with anyone. If you're having sex casually, it means the girl isn't good enough for you to be in a relationship with. So can you trust them equally? I don't think so. Can you really trust someone to definitely get an abortion? If not, then you could have an unwanted baby on your hands. Also, what about stds? There are some shady people out there, who won't say anything for fear of losing out on the sex. Plus, don't most hookups happen when people are drunk. So maybe they don't remember to even use a condom. I know people that haven't.
For me, it's too much risk just to enjoy myself for 20 minutes. Better to wait for a serious relationship in case anything serious happens. I don't see anything casual about stds or pregnancy.
thegrittybrit
Aug 29, 2007 12:47:18 AM
A-Men.
johnG
Aug 29, 2007 3:50:41 PM
haha idk how many are actually turnign down bootycalls but the ones that do jsut odnt want their feelings hurt
jdp1077
Aug 30, 2007 11:29:02 PM
Can totally identify with this,
time to just pro-create.
Pro-create and get the job done.
alaskanman
Aug 31, 2007 2:49:00 PM
Gladly, I've hd a Beeny for 4 yrs now.....In that way I am not desperatly looking for sex and I can take MY time when I meet other boys. The last time I hurried a guy into sex ended up regretting it, because horny as we may be, not all men know how to perform.
mammacita
Sep 21, 2007 12:22:38 PM
Finally! Don't want to repeat Tyler, but tihs chance to vent has come at the time when it was most needed! It might sound weird or two-faced coming from a girl, but seeing what's going on around me, I actually began to get frustrated. I raved at people insinuating that my mate is effeminate or even gay as I knew full well that he wasn't. Reading through the article felt as though I was listening to him explaining to me how he felt. If you have a penis, you shouldn't be denied the right to feel, think, analyse ponder on such situations...I mean, honestly!Some situatoins must be even more confusing than they are for women!You have to reach the mid-ground between I'll-shag-anything-that-walks-on-two-feet-and-has-a-vagina stereotype and what and how you tryly feel inside. And also, being on the verge of any kind of emotional attachment during a booty call is not entirely true. You might spit out a couple of words without thinking of the consequences, but once you come back to your own self, from wherever you were, you start thinking clearly! And, yeah, you might be happy about what you said, if the person meant to you alot, and you might regret it..but in any case it'll not stay as is, cause you'll be thinking with your head, not your penis!
hermione_granger77
Oct 11, 2007 5:57:49 AM
This is surprisingly true. No, the guys don't have to be gay, in fact, they're man enough to admit they have feelings and don't have to give in to animal instinct. Women get angry, or even sad, when you tell them no too. They just expect it to be easy to get if they want it. I had spent most of the night after a show with this one woman, and she started taking off her clothes when we got back in the bus and I had to explain to her that I was tired and really just not in the mood nor did I really know her that well. She got mad first, tellin me I must be gay, then sad because she thought she was ugly and thats why I was "rejecting her". Besides all that, guys who are willing to stick it in anything with a vagina give us guys a really bad rep and it just aint fair to the rest of us.
thefallen409
Apr 7, 2008 11:00:20 AM