The New Gay Promised Land
Unable to come out at home, many rich young foreigners opt for exile in America.
-By David Kaufman
-Photograph by Sian Kennedy
Have an opinion on the foreign gays to America—and coming out? Share it below.
Photograph by Sian Kennedy
Ever since he was a child, Alberto knew that he wanted to move to New York. At first, the scion of wealthy, politically connected Panamanian landowners and industrialists (who, like the other men in this story, asked that his name be changed) followed a parentally approved plan: He got a graduate degree and embarked on a successful career in business. Then Alberto did something that wasn't part of the program: He came out. Instead of returning to Panama, Alberto met an American boyfriend and bought a two-bedroom apartment in New York. He doesn't plan on returning home anytime soon, and he suspects his parents may want to keep it that way.
"They're typical Latin-Jewish passive-aggressives," he says over lunch in Manhattan. "They tell me to come home, but it's clear they want me to stay." Every year, gay men from well-heeled families in Central and South America move to the United States or Europe, never to return home. Arturo, a native of the Dominican Republic, moved to New York seven years ago to pursue an M.B.A. He now lives in a stylish apartment in Midtown with his boyfriend, a 35-year-old Mexican fellow M.B.A. For the past three years, the two have socialized with a clutch of couples much like themselves—Latin American, professional, and gay. "I wasn't coming to America to be gay, but realized I could be who I wanted here," Arturo says. "Going back to the Dominican Republic now would mean going back underground. So here I am in New York, in a weird sort of exile."
From Oscar Wilde's years in France to Paul Bowles' infamous forays into Morocco to Gore Vidal's legendary Amalfi hideaway, gay men have long gone into exile when their carnal desires clashed with cultural constraints. Yet while gay exiles of a century (or even half-century) ago were seeking the right to love whom they wanted, today's gay exiles have a broader agenda: to be able to lead a fully "out" life, whether that's at work, socially, or in the bedroom. "A generation ago these guys would have gone home, gotten married, and led some sort of compromised gay existence," says Myles Weber, an assistant professor of English at Winona State University in Minnesota, who's written about the history of gay literature. "But they want more honest, more public lives—the old options just aren't good enough anymore."
Alberto and Arturo are at the deeper-pocketed end of the gay-exile generation. Like Arturo in his Park Avenue office tower, Alberto is in America to occupy the executive suite—not clean it. "It's a comparable situation to Wilde and Bowles," Weber says. "Even if not coming from tremendous wealth like Vidal, they could at least afford to escape to Europe and North Africa." And the wealth they can create for themselves—independently of their flush families—in the United States is what keeps many gay exiles here. Martin, a 39-year-old New York architect originally from Peru, says a gay glass ceiling back home will always keep him "from truly reaching that pinnacle of success" obtained by his straight peers. In Alberto's case, Panama's small size coupled with his family's prominence makes it impossible for him to lead any sort of openly gay life there. "There is nowhere for me to hide," he says. "I am either related to everyone I know, or everyone else knows my parents." Enzo, a 32-year-old pharmaceutical executive from Northern Italy who now lives in New York, is also hamstrung by his family's high profile. "I have 30 first cousins and my brother is the deputy mayor," he says, adding that he has yet to come out to his family. "I would be very well-connected if I returned home, but believe me, I cannot go back there."
Unlike in cases of economic or political exile, the shift from gay expat to gay exile is rarely the result of a single, identity-defining experience. Rather, it's a collection of experiences—coming out, falling in love, professional success—that causes gay refugees to remain in the United States permanently. "You reach a tipping point, where you feel more like a foreigner in your own country than you do in New York," says Martin, whose own tipping point came when he could no longer fake straight during his annual visits to Lima, where he was expected to hide aspects of his gay U.S. identity. For Alberto, too, the holiday trips home began to feel strained: "I would play straight, drinking champagne at clubs with high-school friends while slutty girls danced on my lap." Avner, a 33-year-old Israeli financial planner who has lived in the United States for the past seven years, says his tipping point was more existential than literal. "I don't know how to be gay in Israel—just the words Avner is gay now sound foreign to me in Hebrew," he says.
For Giorgio, a 34-year-old Italian executive who lives in Brussels, the inability to marry his partner of two years in Italy is a key reason he would never return to Milan. "In Italy things remain very, very conservative," he says.
For 38-year-old Roberto—an Austin, Texas, systems engineer originally from Colombia—a literal fear for his safety back home is much of the reason he and his boyfriend of nine years are still living in the Lone Star State. "Sure, there are laws protecting us from violence in Colombia," he says. "But come on—who would really enforce them?"
Still, most gay exiles agree that no matter how great their adopted homeland's appeal—openness, tolerance, hefty bonuses, sexual freedom—being a refugee could eventually wear thin and they'll somehow, someday, return home. For Alberto, a Panamanian homecoming is inevitable. "I am the oldest son in my family, so I will have to go and run our businesses one day," he says. "But there is no way I will return single." For the rest, fears of loneliness, isolation, or simply the unknown push their return from exile further into the future. "I can't imagine a gay life back in Israel, but I also can't imagine myself being buried in America," says Avner, who has not visited Tel Aviv for almost two years. "So I will probably go back one day," he adds, "even if it is just to die."
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Wealthy gay men aren't coming to America, they are coming to New York and San Francisco for greater liberty. The vast hinterland in between might as well be one great big Riyadh.
nhf7170
Oct 30, 2007 2:34:52 AM
Give me a break--some of those men face physical and emotional violence in their home countries--but some of them are just pathetic cowards. Israel is as tolerant of gays as America if not more--Tel Aviv is a massive gay metropolis! Avner is a pussy who is afraid of upsetting his parents. And we have plenty of those in this country.
dizzyspins
Nov 3, 2007 1:32:08 AM
I think the reason why we came to america is not because we are afraid of somthing is because we are smart to succide in a diferent country and if we dont go back is not family reasons, the reason is people that don't know how to respect others.
maveric
Nov 3, 2007 8:50:02 AM
As someone who has been out since he was 15, it drives me absolutely nuts to see these articles again and again that describe this type of gay man: 'Edwardo, 20/30 something, who is a corporate executive blah blah blah, and has a doctorate in blah blah blah, and lives in New York with his partner, who is also a doctor, etc.," - that stereotype of gay men is exactly feeds right into why people dislike gay men so much - this image (that gay men are just as guilty of trying to come off as rich, sophisticated, and better than everyone else) does nothing but build resentment. It's not what we do in our bedrooms that makes 'mainstream' Americans angry - it's this illusion that we have money, too much education, and are on wild spending sprees with our partners who also have it all. In the years I have been out, I have met maybe one or two gay couples who are like this. The majority of gay men I have known, in all my travels and friendships, are alone, live alone, work average jobs, don't have any 'initials' or credentials after their last names, and, aside from not having children, have many of the same worries and anxieties about life, money and happiness that everyone else has. These kinds of articles that portray us as having everything and living in California or New York all the time do nothing for our civil rights. We are in every part of the country! By the way, according to recent articles I've read, many gay and lesbian teenagers dropped out of high school. Whatever happens to them? Are they not deemed 'worthy enough' of being a news story because they don't have a doctorate or a million dollar loft in Manhattan? It's amazing to me how much the gay community participates in the sort of discrimination against each other, willingly, and almost gets off on it. Shame on all of you!
DuluthMN
Nov 8, 2007 4:22:24 PM
I agree with the DuluthMN. I hate that stereotype. I come from a middle class family from Uruguay and I've been gay there and here. I've been able to get a good job in New York and lived in San Francisco as well but with a LOT of sacrifice and hard work and my partner is an American that is in the same situation. We are lucky to have each other but we have to struggle like everyone else in this country, gay straight black white or any other people.
semanal
Nov 10, 2007 2:08:34 PM
I dont usually comment on articles, but I liked this one, especially because it mentions somebody from Panama, who is gay, succesful and living in New York, which is pretty much where I want to be. I'm gay too, living in Panama, but I think the article, although accurate in somethings, is distorted in others. For example, somebody like that Alberto character could very well be gay and out in Panama. Hell, I'm out and live in Panama and I dont hide it. What keeps somebody like him coming back and out here is the fact that he's from a wealthy Jewish family that he doesn't want to upset.
I want to leave and live in NY because I like the lifestyle and the freedom, not because I'm afraid of getting killed.
Also, they come out as victims when they are really not. They are the rich and priviledged of their countries who could very well set a tone for tolerance adn acceptance that would trickle down, yet they dont. They're not victimizers, but they sure arent victims.
gaapty
Nov 10, 2007 8:07:52 PM
I think the article highlights one area of truth within the gay world- people sometimes tend to migrate away from families and childhood locations to develop new identities and lives that allow them (real or perceived) the freedom to be themselves. I see this in my own life.
My coming out did not take place until I transferred with a job in 2002 out of the deep conservative South, where I was able to make new friends and new connections. Since coming out in 2003, I have developed a life of freedom to be me. I am out in the work place, in social settings, and just about everywhere I go.
Could I return to the South as a free "out" gay man and enjoy life as I know it in Texas? I don't think so. I have chosen to cut most of my family ties and rarely touch base with friends from the South. Is my reality one that is ideal? Definitely not. Am I a bit paranoid? Possibly so. However, I remember how gays in the South are treated. People at church try to pray for you, and if you insist on going to church you end up standing on stage giving your testimony about how once you were lost but now you are saved. That you no longer think of men, and that God changed you through prayer and faith.
Whatever the reality is, I feel much freer and happier where I am now. Whatever works for the rest of you, I hope you feel the same given your own chosen paths.
MBAGrad
Nov 11, 2007 7:40:10 PM
I happen to agree and disagree with this article. I think that some of the men that are portrait in the article are just afraid of coming out to their families. Enventhough I think it is possible to live an normal gay life in some south american countries I agree with the article with the sense that in Canada and the US gay is mainstream and success doesnt have a sexual preference.
Mr_Canada
Nov 14, 2007 3:21:19 PM
Wow. I can't wait to go
blogMan
Nov 16, 2007 10:45:07 AM
my gay friends are trying to move to Canada or Australia that are more friendly to homosexual people. NYC may be more liberal than the rest of this country, but as a whole, America is a pretty conservative country and homosexual are still deprived of a lot civil rights.
AlexZhu
Dec 26, 2007 10:42:03 PM
panama has one gay church. it's actually not a building; it's a priest who travels to communities, homes, groups--so church is a verb not a noun--it is literally the erotic body of christ gathered for liturgy, celebration, and community
i am that priest. i'm una (oonagh) Ryan-King and i'm the priest of Our Lady of the Rainbow, a travelling parish of The Inclusive Celtic Church.
yes, being glbt here is difficult. liberal any faith is impossible: no quakers, no mennonites, not even a jesuit church for christ's sake--only jesuits at a school in panama city! no liberal buddhists or jews--at least that i've been able to find! the episcopal church here is just sad, homophobic, and dying; i know, i'm married to one of its priests--the only outspoken episcopanglican priest in panama, canonically resident in the diocese of california, of course. AND we are here until a new job is found--my outspoken views on god and gay rights was not appreciated by the powers here, so the funding was stopped and we are here totally on our own...
the gay community here is our family, our tribe, and our salvation. i cannot tell you how AHMNP and UNAIDS have saved my sanity over and over again. i admire the folks at AHMNP so very much for their courage.
i'm bi which is really viewed with raised eyebrows. and i'm married to a hetero.
my claim to fame: i stood on the streets of changuinola on world aids day, wearing a clerical collar and a suit-- and put a condom on a sparkling gold dildo with my mouth.
david now has a gay bar so i no longer have to travel 10 hours by car to get "home" to panama city
thank you for your site and your work in the world
i can't wait for panama's first glbt wedding. i pray it happens soon!! i'll let you know.
the sisters of perpetual indulgence are in columbia, however!! so there is hope!
favorite quote: "christianity is a very gay religion--'this is the body of christ. take it; eat it"...get it!..." the rev dr j e johnson/berkeley ca
thevicarofblue
Mar 18, 2008 3:05:28 AM