Finally, I found what I'd been looking for all my life.

My dream job.

I came upon it accidentally, when I read a story about a new book called Twinkie, Deconstructed: My Journey to Discover How the Ingredients Found in Processed Foods Are Grown, Mined (Yes, Mined), and Manipulated into What America Eats. It's a good title, I suppose, although I could eat a package of Twinkies in less time than it takes to figure out what it means.

In the book, you will learn that the Interstate Bakeries Corporation, makers of Hostess Twinkies and Ding Dongs, Drake's Yodels and Devil Dogs, and Wonder Bread ("…provides essential vitamins and minerals—an important part of your family's healthy diet") employs an executive with a magnificent title: Vice President of Cake.

Maybe you wanted to be a fireman when you grew up, but not me. I just wanted to eat cake. You have to figure that this lucky guy gets all he wants.

I called the company asking for an interview with the Vice President of Cake. I have to admit, I misrepresented my intentions. What I really wanted to find out from him was when he was going to retire—or maybe get promoted to Executive Vice President of Sweets. Then I could apply for his job.

I received a blow.

The position no longer exists.

Two different spokespersons for the company gave two different stories—one said the Vice President of Cake had become the Vice President of Mass Marketing. Another said the new job title was Vice President of Snack.

I didn't know which one to believe. It probably shows how befuddling a situation can become when too many Twinkie-eaters become involved.