Q: I find shaking hands with women in business situations occasionally disconcerting. The difference in hand size can cause problems. Also, I don’t know how much pressure is appropriate, or if it should be merely a clasp. What’s proper?

A: What’s proper is for the woman to offer her hand first. If she does, then you shake it just as you’d shake a man’s. If this seems strange, maybe you’re shaking hands with men all wrong. You’re not supposed to squeeze. You don’t go limp, dead fish. You just grip lightly, the way you’d pick up a baby. A limp handshake is repulsive. A too strong handshake is ridiculously macho.

Even though I am a pretty strong fellow, when I get one of these I always yell “Ow!” This has proved to be very effective in getting the point across. As far as size difference, it is not necessary to totally envelop the other person’s hand. If your thumb is farther than halfway down the other person’s hand, you’re going too far. The whole point of a handshake is to convey trust, balance and equality, not to show dominance or submission.

June 2000

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