Real Resolutions

This year, you will not make pitiful, empty promises to lose ten pounds, double your 401(K), or finally get to those thank-you notes. GQ Presents 47 ways to have a bigger, better '05.

#01: If this year you resolve to (a) lose more than five pounds, (b) stop saying mean things about your coworkers, or (c) read "Finnegans Wake", you will go down, and you will go down hard.

#02: New Year's resolutions are only lame because they are insincere and, 99 percent of the time, impossible to live up to. Instead of improving your life, they only make you feel worse about yourself. It doesn't have to be that way. Think of this as a chance to reevaluate and reinvent. To get creative. To live the examined life. You can thank us later.

#03: When it comes to resolutions, it's best to make friends with reality. Like this: From this day forward, you hereby resolve never to use an emoticon in an e-mail again.

#04: See? That was easy.

#05: But don't resolve to do anything on an empty stomach. Lord knows, you have to eat. And this year, you should eat well.

#06: Start by spending five days at the Four Seasons Resort Bali at Jimbaran Bay, where, for a mere $2,360, you can live like Caligula and learn how to satay your chicken Balinese-style at its cooking school. www.fourseasons.com/jimbaranbay.

#07: When you get home, put your knowledge to work. Cook for yourself at least three nights a week. Not only will you save money; you will make your mother proud.

#08: But first you will need to set yourself up right with these five essential kitchen tools:
>A Le Creuset Square Skillet Grill $90, www.lecreuset.com.
>A nine-inch Węsthof Grand Prix 2 Cook's Knife. $100, www.wusthof.com.
>A classic seven-cup Cuisinart. Get the one with the tab, not the buttons. $199, www.cuisinart.com.
>A Simon Pearce Cherry Breadboard. $84, www.simonpearce.com.
>An apron. No, really. you'll be glad you did.

#09: Once this year, when you're in a particularly good mood, you should splurge. Here's how: Go to www.hudsonvalleyfoiegras.com. Buy a whole liver (should set you back about $75). The liver consists of two lobes. Separate them and do your best to remove any visible veins with a small paring knife. Run a sharp knife under hot water and then slice each lobe into one-quarter-to-one-half-inch pieces. Season with salt and pepper and place the liver into a very hot pan. Sauté until golden brown and crispy on each side. This is going to sizzle, spit, and smoke up your kitchen. It may set off smoke detectors. It may also offend the living shit out of any vegetarian friends. But it is worth it. Trust us on this.

#10: Next, buy a bottle of Château d'Yquem. Try the 1999 vintage. It's a bargain at about a hundred bucks a half bottle. Take your first sip, pause, and think to yourself: How fucking good is that?