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Why viral video is a pile of spam

July 14, 2006—For four years now, I've refused to join my buddies on Friendster (we're already friends—why would I want to become virtual friends?), and more recently, fought the urge to drink the Kool-Aid that is the MySpace cult. But sadly, I just can't escape the viral-video epidemic. Where my in-box was once the provenance of penile-enlargement ads and "Bill Gates is sharing his fortune"-type Ponzi schemes, I now wake each morning to find it bursting with lame clips forwarded by people with more free time than sense. The fake-mustachioed morons lip-synching "Barbie Girl"? Oh yeah, dude, totally hilarious. The footage of a no-rhythm hack comedian dancing for six excruciating minutes? You kill me. Really. And, of course, let's not forget the shopping mall adventures of Urban Ninja. It's enough to make you miss the passive bliss of amihotornot.com.

Now, I don't blame the guys who founded YouTube, the source of most of this virtual swill. They came up with an efficient distribution system, and they deserve the billions that some rich sucker (hey, Rupe) will one day bestow on them. And to be fair, some of the videos they've enabled aren't complete crap. It's provided soccer-mad linguists the opportunity to investigate the Zidane header. And, yes, I contributed to a handful of the 5 million-plus views of "Lazy Sunday." But those are mere blips in a sea of shit. Should we really be encouraging National Guard soldiers to ape Parnell and Samberg's act from a war zone? Or let a few bored Web rats (read: Carson Daly and pals) convince us that 20-year-old Brooke "Brookers" Brodack, above, is the next Andy Milonakis? People, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Stop making this stuff, and if you call yourself my friend, stop sending it to me.

Fortunately, it looks like the Y Generation's clicky answer to America's Funniest Home Videos is about to implode under the weight of its own hype. How cool is the Tube when Nancy Pelosi employs it to disseminate the party line, or when NBC uses it to hawk its fall lineup? Remember when Wall Streeters began buzzing around Lower Manhattan on Razor scooters? When middle-aged fathers started rocking velvet blazers? No? Well log on to the site—someone's sure to have posted a clip.