Canned Spam

On the merits of getting fired via e-mail

September 13, 2006—Last week’s surprise ouster of well-liked Viacom CEO Tom Freston made me question whether 83-year-old Sumner Redstone was of sound mind. Not because he fired the guy who introduced the world to Daisy Fuentes—after the last month’s ham-handed VMAs, someone had to go—but because Redstone sacked the guy in person and was, in his own words, "practically crying" when he did it.

Instead, Redstone should’ve taken a page from the RadioShack execs who recently eliminated over 400 workers with the following businesslike mass e-mail: “The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your position is one that has been eliminated.” Now that’s some cold-blooded, Gordon Gekko, gangsta shit right there—and it’s also the best thing to happen to the American workplace since happy hour. Sure, Luddites protested—“What kind of society do we live in when a person can’t even get fired in person?”—but think about it: E-mail firing makes one of life’s most excruciating personal interactions less painful for both parties. The boss doesn’t have to summon all those b.s. expressions of sympathy, and the employee isn’t forced to waste any energy trying to keep his cool. Learning the bad news digitally allows a moment of privacy and a shot at dignity. Want to go vomit in the bathroom? Go ahead. Want to scream “Fuck you!” at the computer screen? Knock yourself out. Want to do the worm in your cubicle because you hated your job anyway? Be our guest. Because you're alone (well, except for a handful of very confused coworkers).

It’s a sad business, no doubt, but now that the economy’s starting to slow down, I can only hope more ruthless corporate snakes, from media moguls on down, embrace the wonders of modern technology and do what’s best for everyone. Next time he wants to cut someone loose, maybe even Redstone will do what it appears he already did to Tom Cruise: "Hi Tom, What’s with all the crazy? You’re fired. LOL!"